bwphotomom's Journal

I'm telling you though I'm an idiot... Today I went there and told him to just have the kids ready I was coming to pick them up.. well I get there and they hadn't eaten breakfast, didn't have their shoes on, didn't have their stuff ready... So I was caught... I had to get out. I tried to stay in the yard, but then he wanted me to fix the sprinklers... I'd installed all the sprinklers in the house, so I know what's up with them. I was reluctant though... but I did fix the valve situation for him... I've got this stupid retarded attachment to my yard. My yard is the only thing I miss and I don't want to see it dead...

Anyhow, I ended up just sitting out under the shade tree for a while and he made the kids breakfast. I was going to just leave and let him meet me later, but my daughter wanted me to stay. So he took my son to go get a hair cut and I went in the house and got some more of my stuff that I realized i wanted...

He came back, and I was just playing with my daughter. I started looking for a car on the internet. He is going to get me a nice used car so that we dont' have to keep paying on the truck he was buying for me... So as I'm looking he starts doing his smooth talking crap and trying to hug me, and rub my back. At first I just resisted. Then it just felt nice. I haven't had a real hug since before I was in the Dr's for the miscarriage. I was tense and it just was nice, so I let him hug me... well he really just wanted sex, but I wasn't going to let it go there. I rejected him too many times and I should have just bailed out, but I just let the old weakness just seep back in... Finally I started getting my balls back and I was making him stay away from me more and getting ready to leave when he dropped another bomb...

He tells me, Yeah, OW was a size 16, and now she's a size 7... .............

I should have seen it coming. I threw the box of remotes he had on his table... then when he got close to me, like he always has when he pushes me past my sane point I threw all his bills off his desk onto the floor... Then I just got out of there as fast as I could... I was so mad at myself for just letting it happen.

The reason this bothers me is because, yeah I'm jealous I guess. I've had 3 miscarriages now in 18 months, and my body, although it's beautiful and I love it now, it's heavy still. I was on this wonderful program of working out and eating right when we got into the fight in June and I moved out. And since during the summer the child-care situation has been crazy I haven't gotten back into my routine... So I'm a lot sensitive to it.

I know this girl isn't a size 7, and when I told him he was full of shit, he admitted that she was a 9... doesn't make me feel much better since I'm not in my 12's yet, but still I know the stupid bitch doesn't hold a candle to my body no matter how skinny she is. She doesn't work out, she is a lame pathetic idiot who's never had a job, and hasn't done a single thing to improve her life except wreck my marriage...

Yet, the topic of her sets me off... Why? How can I let some one who is so beneath me bother me? I know better. I want to blame this on my hormones, but it's always been like this... Well always in the last 18 months since she's been in my husband's life... the last 18 months that I've been mostly pregnant with dying babies... Maybe it is hormones. It's probably a bunch of things.... But what ever it is I want it to go away. I thought for a while it had, but it's back. Is it going to just keep right along side of me with this roller coaster ride? Like a bout of nausea coming up and down until I finally spew everywhere? Yet the roller coaster won't stop... And I just want off.