bwphotomom's Journal

So I miscarried this week. In my heart I knew this was going to happen again. 3 miscarriages in 18 months. I am glad that abstinance is in my future.

It's better this way, all my fears about having another baby are relieved. I am sad, but also, I am numb to this. I've heard about people who miscarry a lot, do they get numb to it too? Probably.

I have come to the conclusion that the people around me are as tired of my tradegdies as I am. I am sick of being the Drama queen. It's not a role I have ever played, and I don't like it. I know it is good to talk about things, but enough is enough. I should probably seek out a professional counsler at this point and relieve my friends and family of my stress.

School is starting in 2 weeks. I am looking forward to it. The routine, the structure, the predictablility. all three of us, me and my two kids are going back to school. Our summer has been chaotic, but also we have good times. It's time to wrap it up and buy new backpacks. But I can't wait for school. Hundreds of people, subjects that don't include myself. Yes, it's going to be great.

I hate having regret. But perhaps that is a better part of growing out of this, finding wings. I miss my house. My garden, my table, the light that comes in during the winter. I don't miss my stbx, except for having someone there to help out with the kids. That isn't enough to make me go back. I'd have to go back because i missed him... not material things.