bwphotomom's Journal

So I've been moved out since June 18th... I just found out I am pregnant... I had no idea, I even had a period on July 1st...

I was thinking that I was only a couple weeks along, because I did have sex with him since I've moved out... (regretfully... but that is another story) But I am 11 weeks pregnant... I went in on Friday to get an abortion, thinking I was only 5 weeks or so... and I couldn't do it... I was in the gown and everything, and when they did the ultrasound and told me, I had to leave...

It was really cool to leave. I know that abortion, and everyone has to do what is inside them to do, and I almost did it. But it felt so good to leave. My sister was with me, and when she told them that I was leaving, the Dr. was like... "She's leaving?! Go unhook her!!!" She said he clapped his hands and was all happy about it... Which is cool.

I have a baby in me. I have a baby who's father wanted it to die... I don't want him to have anything to do with it. I don't want any money from him for it's welfare. I dont' want to share it with him. I just want it to be mine. I don't want his OW thinking she can hold it, or what ever she might think when he has my other two kids over with her...

I am scared to death. I'll have 3 kids now. But the hardest part is the selfish part... I have been wanting to go out, meet people, and now... that is just going to be impossible. At elast for another month or so i won't look pregnant, but I cann't drown my sorrows in drink and sleeping pills anymore... sleepless nights are just going to have to be dealt with...

Yesterday I was so strong about it. Now, today as the lonliness settles in I am having doubts... How will the baby feel to know it's father didnt want him? How is it going to be that i don't share custody of this one, when the other two will be seeing their father. They all will have the same biological father... I know it's mean of me to want to keep the baby away from his father, but I can't help it. I feel like I made the choice to have it against his wishes, and it's my responsiblity. But he is going to see how great and wonderful the baby is, and want to take that from me too...

Well now I can see how I've been such an emotional roller coaster for this entire time... I'm almost done with the first trimester and I didn't even know it! I've known with all my other pregnancies that I was pregnant within 10 days of conception, but this one... I must have just been so occupied...

The most interesting thing that I have to bring into my heart when I feel scared about this, is that my stbx is the only person who told me to pay the extra $$$ it cost to abort a baby that far along... Everyone else, my sister, my friends, people who really truly care about me told me to leave... Or had told me not to do it in the first place... I have to remember that even though I am physically alone, that it's the family of people who love me that is going to be there for me through this... Sigh. This is so hard.