StayStrong4's Journal

Today is kind of the start of a new year. Kids all over the neighborhood went back to school. Lots of hustle and bustle.

I have spent much of the day talking to my recruiter about stepping up the job search. I finally feel strong enough to re-enter the work world in a management role. I am not going to take a job that squeezed me 24/7 like before. I need some solitude and time in nature and time to be with people. So I will take the best job I can that allows for all of that.

A million times this weekend I thought about my mom. Her birthday would be this month and I just miss her so much. So much is happening in my life that would be great to hear her advice about.

I am not nearly as frightened as I was feeling in the early days. I try to take a pulse on what I am feeling. I feel a roller coaster of feelings from the lows of being so alone to highs of watching the beautiful stars last night.

Just have to get back into life. I am seeing my bf this weekend after a few weeks. He lives in Florida and we get together every 3 weeks or so. I am feeling less attached to him lately. He was never part of my drinking, in fact I hid it from him. He has 2 children and his wife died 3 years ago. I love him, but I dont think I am IN love with him. I am sad by this and I am also not sure. Maybe I am just feeling the malaise of my life changing. David is a truly wonderful man and I know I owe him the truth. I am not sure if I just talk it out this weekend or enjoy the time and see how I feel before the next visit.

Otherwise, I am very anxious to lose the weight I have gained in the past 2 years. When we were caring for my mom and sleeping on the floor, we ate pizza and crap every day. And of course my decreased drinking, but still 2-3 glasses a night. So, it's working. A combo of a ton of exercise and back to 1400 calories a day with no white stuff, bread, pasta, sugar and of course no alcohol.   I am losing it slowly but surely and it is metaphorical for my inner transition.

I am not sure I know myself anymore. I knew the drinking Liz, I just dont know this one.  SO strange to feel 17 at my age.

So, off to the gym and the high I get from exercise and then dinner with a good friend who makes me laugh my head off. She is brilliant and has such a genuine wit, it's always a pleasure to see her.

Journal, I am proud of these sober days, I am. But gosh, it just feels so lonely today. I guess all the hiding all these years has kept me from knowing myself very well. Liz, this is Liz.

Odd.