StayStrong4's Journal

  I have days where I  honestly do not think I want to keep going. I guess I thought that getting sober would be so much better. I knew it was not going to be a rainbow but I had not expected this unbelievably black time.

There is not one thing in my life that is working. Except that I am physically healthy. I know that is no small thing. My mom died of internal organ cancer last summer, so I thank the universe every day for my health in spite of what I did to myself for the last 8 years.

But not one other thing is working. I cannot find a job. I am overqualified for the things that I think are good for my sanity. I am single so I MUSt suport myself. I dont own a home so I have to rent or buy something so I have to make some money.  I have froends, but I can tell that they liked the old "fun" Liz a lot more. I need to lose 25 wine fueled pounds that lay nicely on my stomach and hips. I am in such financial trouble that I can cry just looking at the folder.  I think I am still mourning my mom, I miss her and her salty wisdom so much. Watching her suffer nearly killed me and sadly like a lot of families, there is huge family doscord over the will and estate. Talk about pathetic, how about a sister in law that is holding up everything because she is left out of the distribution of a whopping $11,000 between 3 siblings? No one is talkingto anyone, so no birthday or holiday togetherness. Then there was the lovely visit to the gynecologost for a routine look/see only to be told that even though I have periods (sorry guys), she is SURE I am in menopause. She forgets that I have told her the last 4 visits that I want to find a way to mother a child, however we need to do it. Justm hahaha, you join the ranks liz.

I had an idea that I would quit drinking, go to the gym, get my spark back and be ready to roll. But that hasnt happened. I do feel SO much better physically. But I go to sleep, have my night nightmares. Last night I dreamt that I went with a friend to do an ovarian eggretrivel to do IVF. She is a year older than me, and in my dream, I see the monitor as they "find" 14 eggs for her. Then my turn comes and the tech has to call a supervisor because all she sees is emptiness. They end up drawing a big red X on my file.  I woke up crying and still feel shaken.

I am finding it hard to find motivation. I will go to the gym, wash my clothes and look at the want ads again today. I will walk outside because Nature is my higher power, hence the picture of opne of my favorite places.  But I look around me at families and lovers and friends and I just dont really think I want to keep doing this if this is all there is.

Whine whine whine, I know. I do. I am embarassed but it's how I feel. And as I said to someone, I am now pouring the feelings here instead of in a glass.

I dont expect answers. No one has answers for someone else, we must find our own.

Mine are eluding me right now. The pesky termites I wrote about seem to be multiplying faster than I can get healthy. So, I am going outside and maybe take some pictures. Maybe that will cheer me up. But I think some people will understand when I say that I have a lifetime of being cheered up,,,,I want to be happy, not ecstasy, just day to day happy.

Sober. It's a big word.