paigeydaisey's Journal

I am a 20 year old female, grew up in los angeles.  The week before my freshman year of college (almost 2 yrs ago) I was diagnosed with chronic idiopathic pancreatitis.  Doctors concluded I was merely a "genetic anomaly."  I was in extreme denial.  Everyone around me binge drank.  I dated an alcholic frat boy.  Didn't take my enzymes like I was told to.  Ate poorly b/c of dining commons food.  I completely crumbled.  In and out of the hospital 7 times that year.  I took out my aggression on my body.  I over-ate and stuffed myself, feeling really full all the time.  I splurged on fatty foods at times. 

And yet, despite the trauma I went through- abdomenal pain, hospital stays, mri's, cat scans, ercp's, endoscopic ultrasounds, doctor visits, ETC..I thought that I didnt actually have pancreatitis.  Silly right?  I actually beleived that nothing was wrong with me.  So I kept eating and eating. & it was only self defeating. 

the actual sensation of the inflamed pancreas is very much an instinct to me now...as if my pancreas is literally talking to me.  It tells me that I need to treat it better.  Show up for myself.  Tell your body you recognize its pain.  The pancreas is irritated and all it wants is to be nurtured, not tortured.  We care more about the outside feelings that the external world can give us, while neglecting our own bodies; our selves.  Its sad too.  I was never an alcholic and I got stuck with- out of everything in the entire world- the alcoholics disease.  For those of you who are alcoholics- think about how much you've rebelled against your own bodies...do you hate your self? is that why you poison your bodies on a consistent basis?  I dont think so.  I think its about the ability to handle reality, and those who cant, thats why they drink.  We dont fully understand the consequences until our bodies stop being so resillient.  Your body controls you just as much as your mind.  We are our bodies, and our bodies are all we have.  And we are killing ourselves all the times we take a drink or eat fatty foods. 

But i never had the chance to be an alcholic.  Life stopped me before I could even experience the downfall that 80% of people with pancreatitis experience.  I was a pure soul and I was saved.  Anyone reading this right now- you are saved too.  Pancreatitis is not a curse, its about our body- not giving up on us.  Life is fragile and we can die at any given point.  But guess what?  our bodies didnt let us die this time.  They didnt give up on us.  Instead they became dysfunctional; there are consequences to being reckless, thats just a natural part of life.  But ppl that doesnt mean a damn thing, because we all still have a purpose in this world.  We are still here because we need to support each other.  Its about the peace and the love on we bring to each other on a daily basis. 

We can all heal ourselves no matter how gloomy the future might seem.  No matter what condition you are in.  Because when youre in touch with yourself, you are actually living.  You are breathing one breath at a time and accepting what you see with your eyes.  What you feel with your heart...what you hear from the people who care about you.  Pancreatitis is not simply  a disease but a vehicle for showing us what life has to offer.  We have all been directed down similar paths.  What do we all have in common?  We all have something special to offer.  We all make a differnce in others lives, and we are all loved.  Even when it seems like we arent loved, we are.  But it starts with us first.  You need to love yourself.  You need to love your body even if it doesnt work right.  Even if youre resentful towards it because you cannot pursue a self defeating habit such as alcoholism.  You need to realize that YOU are important, because you are exactly who you are. With all the mistakes youve made, all the ppl youve hurt.  Lets forgive life.  Lets understand that we are special, unique beings who are being told by the larger force of the universe that we need to focus on ourselves and how others around us make us feel. 

message me with any thoughts/comments. I am open to anything considering we are lucky to have a support system like this.