hazil's Journal

 I chose entry "rambling" but it also dead heats with "venting". I'm feeling frustration today, already. It all goes back to my anger outburst on 07/14. My spouse left a message 07/17 saying "I would be out of town longer than expected due to work delays." We had a wedding to attend and he called to let the groom know that he would not be attending "a few days ago, when you told me it was over...I lied and gave him another excuse."

 I listen to this message, and think, he was the one who brought up divorce and always does if we have a disagreement. I NEVER used that word divorce as a solution, in the past, at my angriest I said "I would leave." I got tired of hearing him use this ultimatum during this past anger episode and said "if you want a divorce then get the paperwork; it seems to me that if I don't do what you want it always resorts to divorce, so get the paperwork."~ Why didn't he just tell his friend the truth, that he really couldn't attend the wedding because he had to stay for work?~ My relationship, is in a huge mess.~ I returned the phone call, (with a message), saying "I hope all is working out with the job, I was not alone in saying it was over, you used the word divorce again and I was tired of hearing it again. I was reacting to your comments that night. I want to let you know I joined an anger management support group and I need your help. Please understand my triggers, using the word "divorce" in an argument is one of them." I also asked him to call me back when he had the time.

If there is one thing I've recently learned about people in the last five years or so is that what you tell or ask of people during communication is not what necessarily they hear or understand. I am this way as well as the rest of  the human species. The ongoing conversation I'm having with my spouse; I hear "he's blaming this all on me and not taking any responsibility for using the word divorce, anyone without an anger issue would be angered." I find myself becoming tearful and bitter and think okay maybe I'm just this really broken person that just doesn't get this whole thing and the frustration is snowballing. I just don't want to get mad again because of what I'm "hearing." The spouse is probably hearing something like " I married a crazy woman that needs medication and because she's not on it, this is all her fault." He has told me I'm crazy and I need medication plenty of times. I don't know about anybody else but that is a completely disrespectful comment. I was very hurt when I first heard him say that to me, the second time I thought "maybe I do need medication", I went to a therapist and asked "Do you think I need medication?"  "No" was the reply. I've heard it a handful of other times and finally asked my sister do you think I'm crazy? I know, she's my sister, but we are brutally honest with one another. The reply surprised me, she said "You are far from crazy or being medicated but you do have anger issues; you wait too long to tell anyone something and then you get way too mad. Our family is known for pressing each other's buttons and getting a rise out of one another, we have explosive fights and then it's over and we talk again like it never happened and to an outsider it appears very shocking. My sister said," You may want to convey this to your spouse." I did convey this to my spouse but I don't think he really 'got it', I'm not asking him to absolutely understand the famiy dynamic, just get it.

The spouse's family is peaceful, no explosive arguments or loud conversations. They do have their own "weirdness" like every family, can't quite put my finger on it. I do know that their mom did yell and scream alot and my spouse's dealing mechanism was to 'shut down'. He says he does the same thing with me. He started "shutting down" over any minor disagreement, no major anger needed to occur. An example would be why he doesn't take out the trash, "I work all day and want to come home to relax." Come on! I would bring up the valid point that I work also and he would say to me "Why are you so angry?" We never finish a discussion about our disagreements, rarely, it is left up in the air because either he is unmoving in his opinion / decision or I start to feel myself get mad because of his staunch stance and I walk away from it. As I write this I know people are probably thinking "this couple needs serious counseling!" We've tried.

Our counseling sessions try to happen twice. The first time he was able to make the first few sessions and then "work hours" became an issue and he couldn't attend. He and I figured I could still attend and he would pick up where we left behind, three months pass and I finally looked at the counselor and said "Uhm, this is marriage counseling and it's quite apparent it requires the other spouse to be here" the counselor shrugged in agreement. I'm laughing right now, it is kind of funny in a really bad way. The second time we only got to our individual sessions and "work hours" interfered, we tried to continue but the counselor became pregnant and had to take an earlier leave than expected. We had the option of taking another counseor but jointly agreed to wait, too much work meeting another person and repeating your whole history. I know even funnier. So we wait, she has the babies, and of course "work hours" and by the time I get there, new insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling.

So I find myself in this prickly situation that yes I'm mostly at fault for because 1. I'm a terrible communicator. 2. I waited way too long and got angry. 3. The anger / frustration never has been resolved so it keeps coming back.

I doubt myself like I never have before, I ask my best friend since I've been 7yrs. old if I'm an angry person, she says "no". I asked my family, they would say "I need to watch my temper." I really don't know, I don't get mad often and when I find myself in this situation I wonder, "Why am I only getting mad when he's around." I can handle conflict in the workplace like a champ, I have a great sense of humor. I don't get it - or maybe I do. He doesn't listen to me when I voice my concerns. He would beg to differ. A classic example of not hearing what I'm trying to communicate, he just doesn't hear. I spell it out too. Maybe he just doesn't want to. Ouch.

All I want from him is too feel like I'm the center of his world. How? To make time for me, not spend more time with me. I don't need expensive gestures, just dinner or a movie, a swim. I don't get that, ever.

Okay, so I've vented cum rambled. I feel better, the frustration is gone. Mysteriously, I'm very self conscious about my grammatical skills, please forgive me if you're an expert at the English language.I know, I use, far too many, commas.