hazil's Journal

I tossed and turned, tossed and turned felt cold, felt hot, I just didn't sleep a few nights ago and the feeling was compounded when my husband awoke turned on the lights in the house made noise and left, came back to the house to knock on the door,(4:45AM), get me out of bed to look for a wallet he misplaced the night before with undertones that somehow it was my fault. I tried to sleep after my abrubt awakening but couldn't so I got up feeling sorry and bad for myself and thinking what is wrong with me? What is wrong with my situation? What am I doing wrong? Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. I sat in the dark living room for about a half an hour and decided to turn on the TV to find an answer perhaps through divine intervention or something.  Guess what I tune into as soon as the blue screen focused into a picture...Joyce Meyer's. I never watched a TV evangelist but as soon as her voice was audible I heard her say "what is wrong here?" Why can't he not watch so much football, why can't he do this or that? Joyce instead said I had to stop questioning what is wrong but fix whatever was inside me that was seeing the situation as wrong. I was the only one unhappy and the only way to become happy was not through him pleasing what I wanted, it was through becoming happy with myself.

Needless to say I was rapt with this divine intervention I was hearing from Joyce Meyer's. I then started thinking about her words of wisdom in depth about a day later. Joyce is right to an extent but what is wrong with the emotions of unhappiness? Unhappiness and unrest are present as an indicator to let me know when something is not right, Right? I understand there are healthy and unhealthy levels and think that I lean towards stability. I thought about all the things I do to keep myself "happy" in my marriage and life in general such as trying to keep a healthy balance with the different aspects of life such as family, spiritual, health. I keep a separate tube of toothpaste hidden so that particular argument is altogether avoided.

With all due respect to the great advisory experiences of Joyce Meyer but changing from within allows permission for people and husbands to disrespect and ignore the individual that is unhappy about whatever grievance or concern they have. The issue, or BAD BEHAVIOR is never resolved, really, because we are not dieties like the holy trinity or whatever higher power is within the belief system of the person and it becomes buried and is guised in the form of change. We all want to be happy so badly we ignore and tolerate the intoleralble. The change for happiness is so strong we delude and dilute ourselve's. Change never occured but morphed into a weakening sense of self and a sense of self respect is diminished because of the change the individual is trying to instigate toward becoming happier. Which led me to think are we as a people becoming too tolerable to little injustices around us so that when the big ones are happening oh let's say a 700 billion dollar bail out to big business that rightfully should go out of business doesn't seem like a big deal and Oh!  how about taking a spa getaway right after a company accepts said bailout... Maybe I should "change" if this makes me unhappy? Where and what has happened to accountability?! I am not suppose to be angry and unhappy about this? Do I change from within or do I instigate a change. WAKE UP PEOPLE!

I was at my e-mail home page and decided to look at the Do you have a good relationship? I read the relationship article and found the information interesting. My eyes were led to the right of this article with a blue underlined question what kind of kisser are you? How could I resist? I took the quiz like a tween reading her first issue of Cosmo. And my answer/score was quite accurate to the kissing quiz. My happiness from this mindless online fun was soon overshadowed by the reality of the absence of a romantic life with my husband. Resentment welled up inside and I noticed another blue underlined statement, 10 signs of infidelity, so of course I read the signs and 7 of the 10 behaviors my husband exhibits are of someone who is unfaithful. Next to this article is another question/answer Is your spouse cheating? I took the online quiz honestly and to the best of my abilities and the answer given was not a shock. According to my answers the behavior he exhibits strongly suggests he's unfaithful. And I was surprisingly not angered.

I understand this is an anger management support group and there are other support groups I could discuss or vent in, I'm lazy and just want to vent.. Why? I feel better when I do. I don't know where my marriage will go but I have discussed my feelings with him and some of the information does filter through to him. So the marriage has a shot and I find myself not feeling frustrated at times because I try to convey what displeases me. I don't want to be a nag so I try to disseminate my feelings wisely yet he still occasionaly accuses me of being an angry person. I find it interesting that in the Is your spouse cheating? The Q+A suggested that if he angered during conversations when asking questions about the details of (How was your day?)  was a sign of infidelity. Basically, the relationship he could be allegedly having is where his good behavior and feelings are present and he doesn't want to be caught in a lie. I have written before about how I believe we really know the answers to questions we have and the question about my husband and his faithfulness or lack of is there. I just don't want to review the answer.

I believe my husband hasn't been faithful to me or has honored the marriage. Why? He may not be having an affair but he is not present. I have been emotionally abandoned by my husband. I remember my mother saying to me that "your father realized about a couple months after he married me that he had someone in his life he was responsible for and it was hard for him to get out of that bachelor mentality of looking out for number one, it was hard for him to let go of it." I find my husband still behaving with that type of bachelor mentality. He doesn't ever reciprocate without my asking first and I am tired of it. I would like to have some simple things most people have like sharing of chores and occasionally having dinner made for me. The simple day to day does not exist within this relaionship.

I don't want to be angry about my marriage any longer. I have realized how I get angry and how to deal with it better. I understand that marriage counseling is not an option because he cannot take the time to do so. I'll look at the positive but I also know that I get nothing from him physically or emotionally. A parting example...I was in the car leaving him and he didn't want to lean over to kiss me, I had to take off my seatbelt to get the kiss. I laughed at his laziness but as I went indoors I found it symbolic that I took off my seatbelt putting myself and feelings in danger of hurt due to his fridged distance. I was the one to reach again for a kiss that wouldn't have been given unless I reached for it. A simple example of his distance and there are many more examples that aren't so simple. I will make sincere efforts to no longer write anymore of these sad stories because they do me no good. I am tired of working towards something that is not improving and I don't want to live with the feelings I presently hold for my husband. I can only change them if he meets me there. I find myself very discouraged and dissapointed because he makes great efforts for everyone around him except for me, and perhaps he never will.