quasar's Journal

i wasn't wanting to admit this, but i didn't give myself my first shot.  i just couldn't do it and i even went a class.  everyone said 'oh it's easy.'  well, i sat on the fucking chair for  hours trying to make myself just stick the needle in...couldn't.  i had a pile of alcohol swabs on the floor AND now my thigh is bruised from me pinching it so hard so i wouldn't feel the pain.  and of course, they tell you it doesn't hurt.  and it doesn't.  i didn't even feel it when the nurse gave it to me.  not even a pinch.  so why can't i just do this?  i was soooo tired by the time the third hour came around.   i wanted to do this soooo bad.  then tried to think of it as though my life would end if i didn't do it.  they were gonna hang me or electrocute me if i didn't do it.  but still i sat there.   then i got a little pair of scizzors out and sorta pretened to give myself a shot with teeny scizzors.  i thought if i got into the swing of it...i could do it with the needle.   a total failure.   i had to go to the doctors office the next day, frazzeled.  the nurse said she'd do it every week if i can't do it.

next week she said to try icing it first.  but this isn't about pain.   it's about me having to stick myself.  gives me the creeps.  i think this is why i don't have a tatoo.  i've even designed a tatoo for someone and thought i'd get it myself.   it's prob. good i have this phobia or i prob. would have ended up a heroine addict like my little brother.   thirty years ago i used to do piles and piles of cocaine.  up my nose.  maybe i'd be dead now if i was able to use a needle? 

anyway, i'm a big baby.   so we'll see what happens next week. 

this first day has been a long one.  seems like two or three days have gone by.