LdyLazarus's Journal

This is my first journal entry.  I am 33 years old I have 4 children a son and 3 daughters.  My youngest 2 are from my current marriage and my older 2 are from a previous marriage.  I am a stay at home mom and an aspiring entreprenuer. 

The past 7 months have been very difficult for me.  In december of 07 I started to realize that my husband was munipulative and controlling.  I realized that he made decisions with only him in mind.  The control or lose of, came gradually and because i was suffering from depression It took a long time for me to realize I had lost it.  I couldn't drive. when i could,I had a time limit, and if i wasnt back in a reasonable time(on his watch) then we would have arguements.  I can't go out with my girls or to the club like he does.  He doesn't want me to work, but then complains about it being my fault money is low because I don't work.  He use to take my c.s. check or make me pay the rent with it and if i didn't it would be another horrible fight. He us to be physically abusive or should i say he hasn't put his hands on me in almost a year.  But the emotional abuse that he inflicts on me is becoming more than I can handle.  We have been feuding for 2 days now.  He has cussed me out, broke my things, told me I was worthless and nothing and told me to get out of his f'ing house.  I was pretty hurt, still am.  Today he decided he was sorry for the way he has treated me.  but I now know that's just his way to keep me around until the next blow up.  I am looking for the strength and the courage to go to a shellter but I am afraid of what will happen if i take my two younger children He has threatened me and I am more afraid of taking his children than I am of leaving.  There has been a lot of abuse in the past and even though it isn't as bad now his temper is out of control and I believe he is capable of any thing when he is angry.  The worst part of this all is dispite all of this I still love him.  I ask him to get counsling in order to save our marriage and he said no.  He believes that I am not taking my kids with me when I go but I am and I know this will piss him off to no end.

I really need some encouragement right now I feel wrong for trying to just leave and take all of my kids with me.  I find myself worrying about what he will feel like when he finds us gone and what will happen if he finds me.  He keeps apologizing and saying everything will be alright.  but I feel he is unpredictable.

Thanks for listening, Ill write again tomorrow