efletcher's Journal

How many chances does he think I will give him?  How many times do I need to tell him what a marraige should be like?  I am not a teacher and I am not his mother.  I shouldnt have to tell him how to act.  He knows what my values are and he knows what I think is acceptable and not acceptable in a marraige.  And he continues to do things that I consider to be not acceptable.  He doesnt believe that I will divorce him - and I cannot blame him for that because of my empty threats in the past-but I have never taken it this far. 

He will not change...not matter how much I want him to, he cant.  He says he wants to change but it's as though he is incapable of changing.  He acts like a child.  He can't pay his bills on time, he gets all excited on weekend like it's party time and he has NO idea what the household expenses are like.  He doesnt even contribute to household expenses even though he works a full time job but he can go out gambling on Saturday night!!!

What is so hard for me to stay strong when he holds me and tells me that he will change.  I can see now, that is just a ploy to get me to give him yet another change.  Through all of his trials, I have stood by his side.   Years and years of trials - his trials - not mine.  I have supported him and believed in him- for what?  For him to come home and act shady and do the exact things that I told him I would not put up with? 

I need to stay strong.  I know I am a strong, independent woman that can take care of her own.  I did it for two years when he was away.  I thought when he went away, that it was God's way of giving him a wake up call.  I guess him coming home and being up to the same stuff is God's way of telling me to leave.  

  I took my wedding vows seriously but I cannot be married to someone who does not adhere to his vows.  I feel like all I do is give, give, give and all he does is take, take, take.  I dont even know what it is like to be pampered by a man-not even my own husband.  He never does anything nice for me or goes out of his way for me even though I do it for him all the time. 

All the signs are there for me to leave so why do I spend hours questioning my decision?