CherieS's Journal

I'm still playing the waiting game with my medical.  So I have to wait to see if I get medical assistance to see if I can find a new therapist and get treatment again.  Have my meds, but found I've been really shakey lately.  Perhaps it had to do with stretching them out or not having them for awhile.  I'm back on track and have remembered to take them when I am suppose to.  (I always find this funny that Dr's worry about me being addicted to the meds.  I forget to take them....  but the answer is yes I am now physically addicted.  my body will go thru withdrawals.  but no fun high off them.  they are downers and I guess people actually buy them illegally?  Sheesh I dont know.  And I'm at a dose that would knock most people out flat.  3mg a day, with 2mg before bedtime.  I have a friend that takes .5mg and is sleeping in 30 minutes out cold.  That would be a dream.  My brain still goes a million miles an hour on 2mg.  Meh...  need them to keep myself together, so I will have to deal with the withdrawals when I want to try it without meds.  But I will take the suggested 8 weeks, and do it under dr's care)

I spent most of the day reading books I downloaded online.  Yeppers thats books, cause I read one, and on to my second.  For awhile there I was out of stuff to read.  But I think I have about 12 good books to go thru now.  Yay!

And I have a dream...  I know me!  Well more an idea.  Because I truly believe we make plans, and God laughs.  But I hope it is in his plans that I can move down to Southern Washington to a small town, with a library, and a place to get some counseling.  Would be a dream come true.  I know I would be having to sleep on my portable blow up bed, and only have a few furnishings, but I found the simple life to be happier.  All though I really am bogged down in my depression and anxiety, I am truly happy with my life and the gift of life every day.  I am blessing beyond words with people.  And I really got the chance to find out that yes, that is all that really matters.  People that talk about needing to get a promotion in 5 years, or retire earlier, blah blah blah short term goals long term goals.  Well I guess now I realize that no matter what we plan, life is unexpected.  Things dont work out how we thought.  So best to go along with God, and just say... well Lord, give me strength.  And while you are at it.... can you perhaps see it in your will for me to live in a smaller community with less people by a library full of wonderful books?  And if things dont work out that way for me, I know that arent suppose to.  There will be no tears spilled for that.  I still have too many tears that I have swallowed from my past.  So much heartbreak, dishonesty, and shut off emotions.  I shall not cry for my future, nor shall I cry for my today.  For today is a blessed gift.  And I do so long for the day that I will be done crying all those tears I just never was allowed to cry in the past.  Easy to say get over the past it is past.  But truth be told you must deal with everything.  And if you dont do it in its time, it only comes back to haunt you.  And only time with Gods help can wash away those wounds.  I call them demons.  Things from my past that haunt me today.  And I wish they were banished, but all in good time.

Still gonna stay with yellow and the ol just feeling OK.  OK.  Funny word, not good, not bad.  Is that not balance?  But no, the word OK expresses a lack of something...

Well I'm back on my meds, but it should take awhile for them to sort themselves out again.  Still without any therapist or shrink, as I am waiting for medical assistance.  Spent my last $20 on medication for a month, and Thanks to my friend Rich made it to pick them up finally last night.

Ended up in tears on the 13th.  And all I can say is I am so blessed to have Sonny in my life.  He's the first person that didnt get mad at me for being unhappy.  I'm usually upbeat, and for some reason, my family, exhusband, and exbf's expected me to always be happy.  Well guess what I break too.  And I need to cry sometimes.  And I had a good cry.  Snot bubbles and all.  And when I asked if he was mad at me and he said why in the world would I be mad at you... I cried even harder.  To finally find someone in my life that just accepts me... is amazing.  Dont get me wrong he isnt perfect, but I'm holding on to him tight because he truly is caring and supportive.

So back on track and back with a plan.  Taking things slowly on here.  I know that there were so many that loved getting my hugs, but sending out so many was getting hard.  Especially when I was feeling like crying, but couldnt.  And my hands were shaking from not taking my meds.  I was trying to stretch them out.  Not a good plan, but I am kinda stuck at the moment.   All I can do is the best I can.  Still havent heard from my kids, but as two are fully grown and fully into work and life, I dont suppose I will hear from them much anymore.  It's just something I need to learn to accept.

But the funny thing is when I gave myself permission to lay in bed and sleep all day and not be productive... well its changed me.  Now that I dont have to do things.... I'm starting to turn things around.  Really work on getting better.  Actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Hope is just a mysterious word.  How do you get hope?  And once you've lost it where do you find it?  And how do you hold onto it?  To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.  Wish for what?  To have hope you have to have something in the future that you see.  And somewhere I have to find out what my hope is.  I have hope with Sonny my boyfriend.  But I need hope of my own.

I have completely accepted that depression and anxiety cant be managed by myself, and that it has made my life unmanagable.  Step one done.  What a crappy week to have to go thru to get thru that step, but acceptance is truly the first step.

Now just baby steps...