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Sometimes I just feel like crying.
I try to hold back the tears, but they just start to fall.
I try to block the memories that cause me so much pain, but it never lasts for long.
I allways lose and all my built up sadness crashes in.
All I do i remember more.
I hate it, I dont wanna remember, I wish it never would have happened.
But most of all I just wish I could confide in someone. And its not that I have no one to confide in, its just I dont know how to.
How do you tell someone that your father, the man who should have protected you, destroyed your innocence at such a young age.
How do you tell them of the pain he caused you?
Somedays I don't even want to live, but others I strive to overcome it and succeed at life.
But unforchantly my bad days overweight the good days.
Everytime I think that I'm gonna make it and be able to move past it I only remember more.
Nightmares that seem so real, its like its happening all over again.
I can feel him all over me, hear his voice telling me that im his little girl.
I can feel the fear he's instilled in me like im ten again.
I smell his alchol perfumed breath.
In my nightmares its allways the first time that I dream of.
How he told me that I was growing up and how beautiful I was.
How he touched me like it was okay.
How I fought, but lost to his powerful strength.
I allways awake in tears, crying like it just happened, like hes kissing my forehead as hes walking away leaving me in shame.
That whole day all I do is think about it. These are the times that I hurt myself. Im ashamed in what I do, but I've found no other release for my supressed emotions.
I have so many questions to ask him. I just wanna know why!?
What made him hurt me, was it the drugs, the alchol, or just him?
Does he know that what he did has left scars on my heart forever?
Because of my past my present isn't where I allways want to be.
I find it hard to trust, if I couldn't trust him how could I trust anyone else.
Allthough I do give people the benefit of my doubt as often as I can. I still don't trust many.
I never even told my own mother, despite the fact that the reason it no longer exsists is because of her.
She saved me from my nightmare without even knowing of the true pain I was suffering
My life has been one that no one will ever understand, at times I myself don't understand it.
The pain I've suffered, the things i've seen, and the places I've been.
As I was growing up things never seemed that bad, but as I got older things got worse.
By nine I was no longer a virgin, I had been destroyed by the man that was my so called "protector".
Ripping everything away from my naive body, my innocence, my future, my life.
He left me with nothing but a shattered perception of life. All the beauty that nature once held was gone.
All the dreams I once aspired to become reality became seemingly impossible. Nothing in life mattered anymore.
A scared little girl that hid from her father day after day,knowing that he would soon be home only
to open up another beer and cause her more hurt. As I sit here writing of this tears fall from eyes and roll onto my cheek.
As I think of how no one has ever known of the pain I have suffered I feel even more pain.
For a very long time I have thought of telling someone, but how do you tell someone something like that?
How do you inform them of the pain you've held behind your eyes for years, without a single word of the hatrid you've kept in secrecy.
The pain I've suffered, the things i've seen, and the places I've been.
As I was growing up things never seemed that bad, but as I got older things got worse.
By nine I was no longer a virgin, I had been destroyed by the man that was my so called "protector".
Ripping everything away from my naive body, my innocence, my future, my life.
He left me with nothing but a shattered perception of life. All the beauty that nature once held was gone.
All the dreams I once aspired to become reality became seemingly impossible. Nothing in life mattered anymore.
A scared little girl that hid from her father day after day,knowing that he would soon be home only
to open up another beer and cause her more hurt. As I sit here writing of this tears fall from eyes and roll onto my cheek.
As I think of how no one has ever known of the pain I have suffered I feel even more pain.
For a very long time I have thought of telling someone, but how do you tell someone something like that?
How do you inform them of the pain you've held behind your eyes for years, without a single word of the hatrid you've kept in secrecy.
I've been through some hard times. But havn't we all?
Yea my life has been alot tougher than others.
But its also been better than others also.
I've seem many things I wish I hadn't.
I've been in the wrong place at the wrong time,
more times than I can count.
But I hold no regrets, because of all of this I am who I am.
Some days are better than others, but life is not about how many breaths you take, but the number moments that take away your breath.
One day your whole life will flash before you, make you its worth watching.
Make the best of the worst, things can only get better.
Past Entries
| July 2008 |
Tuesday, 7/15
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Tuesday, 7/15
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Tuesday, 7/15
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Tuesday, 7/15
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