comingundone's Journal

To live one more day !..anyone know what that is????...thats my new years resolution, mines not to lose weight, or get a new career or get in shape..etc...mine is to live one more day,...my depression is as bad as its ever been, im back to doing to stupid shit thats got me in trouble in the past, my nightmares are almost nightly now (at least when im able to sleep) and so real that even after almost 28 years of them im even amazed at how real they are...the thoughts of suicide are running threw my head pretty much all the time now, i have nobody to talk to here at home, my family says that are family is FAKE, wich i guess i'd have to agree about since they seem to not care at all, my parents are more worried about my pathetic-sick ass-child molesting-piece of shit-worthless-so called brother then they are me and what he did to me, what pisses me off is why i let it bother me ! its the way its been since i came out with this, you would think i'd just come to grips and not worry bout it, but i guess since i took so much pain for them for so long i just want them to be there for me, and it just aint going to happen...im so sick of fake people, saying they care and will be there and when you call or email or tx or whatever you get no response or ill get back to you and you never hear from them, ive bent over backwards-sidewides and every wich way i can to be there for people i care for, and you know what im done !...does that make me selfish or wrong ? am i wrong for wanting someone to do the same for me?...i feel like im walking in a world where i only exist and i hate it.

                 I just want to give you all just a little insight into what i went threw when i was growing up, i have a terrible fear of spiders, why is that? well its because my brother use to put me in my dads potato barrels underground for hours on end, and what lives around potatoes? crickets ! and what eats crickets? spiders !...they would crawl all over me and it would be pitch black ! and the old alumminum trash cans we use to have back in the day, he use to stuff me in one of those and leave me there in the sun for hours at a time only coming out to spray me with the hose every once in awhile, he use to make up sexual things for him to do to me and write them on paper, fold it up and put it in a hat and make me draw them out one at a time till he had done them all to me, he's beaten me so bad that i still have scars to this day from it, he shot me in my right hip, and yes he was actually trying to kill me, because he thought i was going to tell, he use to make me fight his friends that were 8 years older then me because he said he wouldnt have a pussy for a brother, he's made me try cocaine-pot-acid-he made me drink half a bottle of piss one time, i mean i could go on and on for hours and hours about the stuff hes ddone to me or made me do.. does anyone else agree that that stuff will damage and scar and young kid for the rest of his life ?

              Ive tried every type of therapy there is to try tht i know of, ive been inpatient-out patient, group therapy, one to one therapy, support groups, sleep study, hypnosis, meds...nothing has worked, because nobody cares, your just a number or a name on a piece of paper.

             I'll be 40 on may 9th if i make it there, and my life is as pathetic as they get, ive known 2 days of happiness my whole life, and thats when my 2 kids were born, the thought of leaving them is a very hard thing to comprehend, but its harder for me to think about them getting older and seeing their dad the way he is or probably worse, it would be better for them to remember me now then later in life when ill either be on the streets or in jail..i love them more then anyone could know, they are the only reason im still here today and i hate the thought of not being here for them but the thought of them having a worthless dad is even worse then that....i guess after all of this ive written what im trying to get across to everyone is if someone comes to you and they need your help and you really do care, then be there and help them the way you would want it, dont say you will and then only do it when its convienent to you, theres no time limits when it come to true friends and real love, your not just there on mon-wed-fridays, real love and real friends are a 24-7 deal !!!!!...at least in my book thats the way it should be, there shouldnt be no limits on what your able to tell your friends, you should have an open door policy with them..dont you think??...you shouldnt be judged by what you say !...dont you think ?....you should be able to come to them with anything !...dont you think ?....or then again maybe im wrong !..i mean look at the situation im in, maybe im the one thats looking at this ass backwards...but you know what i dont care if i am wrong, thats the way i believe it should be and thats the way ill live even if that is only another hour or day or whatever.....i hope one of you that reads this will reach out to someone you care about and let them know how much you care bout them and that they have that open door with you that i talked about, maybe that will help save one persons life, if so, then all my pain was worth  it....peace !