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Thanks so much for all of you that have shown so much concern for me, ive tried for the past few days to act like i was better because i didnt want to let any of you down or think that your help wasnt helping and its not that it hasnt, im just so sad and depressed, its only been a few weeks since i got out of the hospital from my suicide attempt and im still having bad thoughts, i know its wrong and its not the answer..i know all those things that you would tell me! but thats how bad it is and thats why it scares me so much, im completely alone here, i mean i have my 2 kids but they cant talk with me about whats going on with me, i would give anything to just have someone from here who could be here and be able to talk to me, i was told im being selfish by thinking of suicide again and maybe i am, but im just being honest, i dont want to do it but even if i dont my heart and body cant take much more of this, its just wearing me down!..ive been going threw this for over 30 years! theres only so much your body can take...im so sorry for being like this, i feel like im wasting your time and your energy on me, i think maybe im taking up time that could be used to save someone thats capable of being saved, i just wanted to come and say thank you to all of you who have reached out to me! ive tried and im still trying, i swear i am, just have no strength left !..im sorry!!..you guys are the best!
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To live one more day !..anyone know what that is????...thats my new years resolution, mines not to lose weight, or get a new career or get in shape..etc...mine is to live one more day,...my depression is as bad as its ever been, im back to doing to stupid shit thats got me in trouble in the past, my nightmares are almost nightly now (at least when im able to sleep) and so real that even after almost 28 years of them im even amazed at how real they are...the thoughts of suicide are running threw my head pretty much all the time now, i have nobody to talk to here at home, my family says that are family is FAKE, wich i guess i'd have to agree about since they seem to not care at all, my parents are more worried about my pathetic-sick ass-child molesting-piece of shit-worthless-so called brother then they are me and what he did to me, what pisses me off is why i let it bother me ! its the way its been since i came out with this, you would think i'd just come to grips and not worry bout it, but i guess since i took so much pain for them for so long i just want them to be there for me, and it just aint going to happen...im so sick of fake people, saying they care and will be there and when you call or email or tx or whatever you get no response or ill get back to you and you never hear from them, ive bent over backwards-sidewides and every wich way i can to be there for people i care for, and you know what im done !...does that make me selfish or wrong ? am i wrong for wanting someone to do the same for me?...i feel like im walking in a world where i only exist and i hate it.
I just want to give you all just a little insight into what i went threw when i was growing up, i have a terrible fear of spiders, why is that? well its because my brother use to put me in my dads potato barrels underground for hours on end, and what lives around potatoes? crickets ! and what eats crickets? spiders !...they would crawl all over me and it would be pitch black ! and the old alumminum trash cans we use to have back in the day, he use to stuff me in one of those and leave me there in the sun for hours at a time only coming out to spray me with the hose every once in awhile, he use to make up sexual things for him to do to me and write them on paper, fold it up and put it in a hat and make me draw them out one at a time till he had done them all to me, he's beaten me so bad that i still have scars to this day from it, he shot me in my right hip, and yes he was actually trying to kill me, because he thought i was going to tell, he use to make me fight his friends that were 8 years older then me because he said he wouldnt have a pussy for a brother, he's made me try cocaine-pot-acid-he made me drink half a bottle of piss one time, i mean i could go on and on for hours and hours about the stuff hes ddone to me or made me do.. does anyone else agree that that stuff will damage and scar and young kid for the rest of his life ?
Ive tried every type of therapy there is to try tht i know of, ive been inpatient-out patient, group therapy, one to one therapy, support groups, sleep study, hypnosis, meds...nothing has worked, because nobody cares, your just a number or a name on a piece of paper.
I'll be 40 on may 9th if i make it there, and my life is as pathetic as they get, ive known 2 days of happiness my whole life, and thats when my 2 kids were born, the thought of leaving them is a very hard thing to comprehend, but its harder for me to think about them getting older and seeing their dad the way he is or probably worse, it would be better for them to remember me now then later in life when ill either be on the streets or in jail..i love them more then anyone could know, they are the only reason im still here today and i hate the thought of not being here for them but the thought of them having a worthless dad is even worse then that....i guess after all of this ive written what im trying to get across to everyone is if someone comes to you and they need your help and you really do care, then be there and help them the way you would want it, dont say you will and then only do it when its convienent to you, theres no time limits when it come to true friends and real love, your not just there on mon-wed-fridays, real love and real friends are a 24-7 deal !!!!!...at least in my book thats the way it should be, there shouldnt be no limits on what your able to tell your friends, you should have an open door policy with them..dont you think??...you shouldnt be judged by what you say !...dont you think ?....you should be able to come to them with anything !...dont you think ?....or then again maybe im wrong !..i mean look at the situation im in, maybe im the one thats looking at this ass backwards...but you know what i dont care if i am wrong, thats the way i believe it should be and thats the way ill live even if that is only another hour or day or whatever.....i hope one of you that reads this will reach out to someone you care about and let them know how much you care bout them and that they have that open door with you that i talked about, maybe that will help save one persons life, if so, then all my pain was worth it....peace !
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Oh honey. I am so sorry. I'm in tears right now after reading that. And I'm not usually. You have been through so much and deserve to be happy. Thats all I want for you. I'll tell you right now. I'm doing what you said. I'm reaching out to someone I care about. And its you! I'm here for you. I do have a family and all, but I'll be here as much as I can damn well be for you! You are not alone anymore!
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you do not know me, but that was heart breaking, and i understand about the happiness part, i for one have never ever felt true happiness, i have been content, happy about doing something but never ever true bliss. i have had depression breakdowns, and people have turned away from me too, i know that feeling, who you thought were your friends, when you are in a bad way, some disappear and show their true colors. for me i dont think someone can be there for you 24/7, but if they really care for you will be there as much as they can.
i have been thru counseling too twice, and it did not work, this time i got a good one, one that i think cares about me as a person,and what happens to me, don't give up finding that person, that counselor please, when you get a good one it can make a world of difference.
you have been through so much, some things are more than i can imagine, but please, do not give up, you are worthy and you are trying to reach out yet again, if you did not want to reach out you would not have written this. you do deserve happiness, it is hard to reach when you have been thru so much, but it is possible, and frustrating, unfortunately you have to go thru hell to get there. just remember those two happy moments always. you are worth working at, do not let this beat you. i know because it has beaten me before, many times, recently on and off, but its a battle, one that seems to never end. you are not alone
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I see you have been through a lot..Wow..Just hang in there for your kids..they need you and when they grow up they will help you make it through the hard times.Things will get better..and your brother will pay for the way he treated you.If you need some one to talk with I'll be here...Bobby
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I pray that it gets better for you. I always say there is a rainbow after the storm. I am going through a lot right now but, I believe it has to get better. Some days I want to give up but, something is telling me not to end my life just yet. If you need me I am here for you I know you don't know me but, I believe we can lift each other up.
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bear hugs my new friend, i dont know u that well but i battled demons myself after my catastrophic accident took away my physical prowess. i do know this however, LIFE IS WORTH THE STRUGGLE, WORTH PUTTIN UP WITH ALL THE SHIT IT THROWS AT YOU, WORTH BATTLIN JUST TO SPITE THE THINGS/PEOPLE WHO HAVE DID THIS TO YOU. SO KEEP UP THE FIGHT
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Hey Dude!!! Keep your chin up man. What ever you are going through right now you have to get through it for the sake of your kids. Because I know what ever happens you want your kids to have the best in their lives.
You have written that you have gone so much of therapy and treatment but have you tried reaching out to God?
As a friend I will pray for you to have strength to face anything that comes your way.
God Bless!!!!!
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there i nothing that i can write to make your pain go away, and there is no way I can say I know how you feel, I can write that if you ever want to talk to a smalltown smuck Ill listen. Hang in there man, do it for your kids they deserve you and your experience, let your past insure their future
Well my birthday came and went on the 9th and it was very un-eventfull, not that i thought it would be, just another year older is all, this week was really bad, my mom had 2 surgerys this week and shes in bad shape, ive ran myself in the ground to make sure that dad was ok and mom was taken care of, my mom is in such bad shape its just ridiculous, if you've seen a pic of a holocaust survivour thats my mom!!...theres just nothing left at all!!!...she weighs 77 pounds!...i cant stand to see her like this, she was always so very strong and a hard worker, this is just to much for me to take, with everything else that ive talked about on here now im about to lose my mom!...And ive gotten a little frustrated with this site to!..it seems like if i dont leave a message then i dont here from nearly most of you, there are SOME that do but most dont!..if you say your going to be a friend then please do it, if not then FUCK-OFF!!...that mite be a little harsh and maybe its the pain talking but its the way i feel,.. i know we get busy and have are lives to live but good gosh, its ridiculous, i think people just treat this like myspace or something!..does anyone else that cares feel the same? i mean if you got to much on your plate then limit the people that you tell that you will be there for them, it kinda hurts when you send a message and they say oh yea i remember you and then begin to tell you the wrong thing thats bothering you or they dont remember you at all!!.. please keep my mother in your thoughts and prayers please, docs say she isnt going to get any better!...you that are with me are in my thoughts and i hope your well!!....peace!!
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I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I have never lost someone that close to me. I can't imagine what you are going through. You are a good soul do to all that you have done for her and your dad.
As for people not communicating with you, I'm sorry for that too. I hope that I have not been one of those who doesn't. Sometimes if I don't see a journal entry from someone in a while, I think they aren't on line or left the site. So maybe that's the case with many on your friends list. I don't know. But I do apologize for everyone, including myself. I'm glad you are an honest person. That shows a lot about you.
Write when you can. Love Jenn
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Also, happy belated birthday. I'm sorry that it wasn't anything fun.
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I will be thinking of you and praying for your mom. If you ever, i mean ever, need to talk please message me. I will do what I can to help. I hope I haven't been one of those who has disappointed you. I just recently wrote a journal saying the same thing about people not responding to me. it is frustrating. Anyway. I will be praying for you. keep in touch when you can.......
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I read your latest journal entry. First, let me say how sorry I am to hear about your mom. I am experiencing difficult issues with my mother these days which are in no comparison to yours. I cannot relate your feelings about your dad, since I lost my dad several years ago. Change subjects here for a minute. I went back and printed out everything to do with your site, from the beginning or from the time I joined DS. I am going to read all of them and will respond back to you. I must tell you, I am a "cut to the chase" type person, but I do try to choose my words carefully. Now the million dollar question: As your "new friend", do you want my honest opinion and tell you what I think or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear? While I do not have a professional license to practice psychology, I minored in it in college.
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I know the pain of loosing a parent. It's like no other pain I have ever felt and I still deal with it on a daily basis. It's only been 6 months for me since loosing my Dad. I will keep you and your Mother in my thoughts and prayers. I had you on my mind today so I sat down and sent you a hug then I thought I will read his journal and see what's going on with him. Wow ! I read this ! How weird is that ? How weird is it that I read this about you feeling like people aren't communicating with you etc...and your Mom is sick , your worried about her etc... It's almost like I knew you needed friends isn't it ? Anyway, I had you in my thoughts so I just had to message you. Drop me a message when you have time. I would love to hear from you. Really I would. Take care of you....
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Oh yeah...Happy belated birthday to youuuuuu ! And many more !
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Sorry I missed your birthday! Hugs to you.
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trust me, i understand all to well how you are feeling. i am tired of hurting, of being in pain, frustrated, and resentful. sometimes i do just want to die...but ultimately i am too chicken shit. and like my whole life, i would be thinking of others...what it would do to them...never mind that i would finally be at peace. i hate things being so bleak so often. but i try to think of things this way...things can always get better. im still waiting, but i have hope! i hope you can find this as well.
mindy027
I know how you feel. Life can be overwhelming and our past can look downright ridiculous and worthless, but you can find hope just by looking at those two kids of yours. I have a son and a daughter who I've often thought would be 100% better off without me around. I've even convinced myself that I could actually do them more harm than good by staying alive. A friend of mine here on DS told me "that's not you, that's the depression talking" and I think he was right. Whenever I get those feelings like I want to end things completely, I always tell myself to give it one more day...just one more day. There's always hope in a new day, and everything usually looks better; not perfect, but better. Try to do the same...make yourself wait just one more day.
BigDog1
Please know that you have friends on here that care a lot. I care. You can write here anytime you need to and we will understand. I understand because I also have had those same feelings several times these past 3 or 4 weeks of wanting to end my life and actually taking a handful of pills twice. Whatever it is you are going through, you CAN handle it. We are here for you. If one day at a time seems too hard to do than try one hour at a time or even one minute. I know it's hard but get on here and write when you start feeling that way. And talking to a therapist, if you have a good one, does help. I go every week.
lauraa3
don't give up trying you kids need you. i thought about ending my life but, where would my kids go. i am still here for u
motherof4angels
My little sister was the reason I never attempted suicide. Let your little girls do the same for you. I would never want my little sister to grow up having to say that she had two sisters, but one was dead.. because she killed herself. Thats a heavy burden to put on her; just like it would be on your girls. I hope that gives an insight on where I have been. I am here for you.
OctoberSunsets