More Thoughts & Feelings
October 31, 2008 5:12am
Been thinking about my life & one thing comes to mind...that I don't really 'fit' anywhere. I'm the only child from my parents …
stokesy’s Profile
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About Me
G'day. I used to be a radio announcer but gave that up about 6 months ago as I couldn't handle the issues at work & in my personal life. It was just becoming too much! Now I'm trying to focus on my life & get it back to a place where I can be comfortable with my past & feel better for the future.
Interests
Photography, it's my biggest passion. I've added some of the pictures I've taken below. I'd like to know what you think so feel free to comment. I also love music, everything from The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, David Bowie to Eskimo Joe, Fall Out Boy, The Offspring, Green Day & many more, it's a massive range. Music is a big part of my life. Teddy bears, I've been collecting them for around 9 months & have about 40 of them, they're so cute. I'm very addicted. And the weather. I just love a good thunderstorm & winter would have to be my favourite season.
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Recent Activity
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Journal
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Unmotivated!
October 26, 2008 11:42pm
Yeah, been feeling really unmotivated lately. Actually on & off for the last few months. I just can't seem to do anything & really …
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Hugbook
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Ok don't laugh at me, but i didn't filled the quiz because how do i click on the questions and mark the answer?? I'm 46 didn't grew up with comps,LOL........so i'm not that good at it...mwahahaha
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Hey, huggies...
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Thanks same to you :)
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Thank you for your reply to my post about repressed memories, i suspect i was also molested by a male nanny then my father, that's what my gut tells me........Thanks so much for your support....It means a lot to be able to relate to others, i'm very isolated.Because i've always felt like i don't belong anywhere.....huggies..
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Ops oh is a keyring,Nah they won't search it.....Who cares what people think....They're damn cute..
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Photos
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Support Groups
Close Sexual Abuse
This is something that I've kept very deep in my mind for a long time & some of the abuse has started to come back to the surface. My Mum's second husband (which is my sister's father) physically & sexually abused me (also sure he sexually abused my sister). His relationship with my mum was also really violent. I still don't remember much of what happened over these years. Part of me wants to remember but I'm too scared to want to recall it all.
Treatments
- Art Too Soon to Tell
- I've tired photography but nothing here in Perth inspires me. When I go to the country it's different, but unfortunately, it all costs money that I don't have. Been trying to think of other places to go close to public transport.
- Music Somewhat Helpful
- Depends on what I listen to & my mood. Sometimes I feel better afterwards.
- Talking Too Soon to Tell
- Talking issues over with my pyschologist about the abuse that happened. He believes with everything I have told him, that he's sure something did happen even though I don't remember much.
Close Family Issues
I've never really felt too close to my family. In fact, I feel I'm the 'Black Sheep' of the family have for years. My Mum & Dad divorced when I was 1 & a half years old so I don't remember it being any other way. I have also been abused by certain family members and had a period of 4 years where my Mum & I didn't talk.
Treatments
- Psychotherapy Too Soon to Tell
- Been to quite a few different pychologists & slowly it's starting to an a bit of an effect although now I even more confused on what to do.
- Writing Considering
- Considering this but I find I hate what I write & then don't do it on a regular basis. I'm giving it a go here on DS to see how it will help.
Open Transgender
I'm not sure about my gender but I am attracted to women. Around 18 until I was 21-22 I did question who I was on a regular basis. I remember crossdressing and playing with my sisters toys, dolls & stuffed animals from about 8 to 14. Mum also thinks I was CD'ing when I was 6 or 7. Not sure if the abuse during childhood has played a part. Still quite confused but would like to go further with it to see how I feel.
Treatments
- Talking Working / Worked
- I have been talking to my parents lately about this. I've had the best conversations with my stepmum but I'm realising they can only help me so far.
Open Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionI've been depressed ever since I can remember. I was abused by my step-father physically & sexually when I was a child which closed me off from everyone. I've only just started to tell people now about what I remember. I was also abused by my Mum during high school in a physical & emotional way. I feel as if my Dad emotionally neglected me as he was really not apart of my life growing up & more concentrated on his own family. My personal life now is a complete mess.
Treatments
Open Step Families
My parents divorced when I was 1 & a half years old so all I remember is having the separate families. There was a lot of fighting between families & between partners. I grew up in a violent household with Mum most of my life. Her partner also abused me. Mum divorced him too. Things between me and my parents are better now that I'm older but this has affected my life greatly.
Open Self-Injury
I've had periods in my life where I've been suicidial. I have SI'd a number of times especially during my last job. This included cutting my wrists & punching myself both in the head & my legs. A couple of months back I punched my leg hard enough to cause a blood clot & needed to take 2 weeks off work. I haven't SI'ed for a while although at times I really want to. If there was a quick easy way to die, I would take it.
Open Physical & Emotional Abuse
I was physically abused by my step-father as a child. I remember he would bash me in the shower. This almost happened every night. There was sexual abuse as well. My Mum physically & emotionally abused me while I was in high school. She threatened to kick me out on a number of occasions by throwing my things out on the front lawn. She also used to hit me with things around the house & with her fists but she denies it. I'm stuggling to let it go.
Treatments
- Forgiveness Not Working
- I'm trying to forgive my mum but it hasn't been easy. I broke down recently trying to explain this to my sister who I don't think really understands. I can't (at this stage) forgive my stepfather for what he did & would probably become violent if I ever seen him again.
- Psychotherapy Too Soon to Tell
- Talking through my issues with my pyschologist.
Open Loneliness
I feel like I don't fit anywhere. I have always been the 'Black Sheep' in my family & have never really had many friends. I'm trying hard to change this but sometimes it's not easy.
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Snapshot
Recently …
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