jiffer6's Journal

I spent a lot of yesterday imagining different scenarios with my Mom, and they all turned out with me calmly telling her to mind her own business.  For the first time in, well, as long as I can remember, I wasn't ruled by food and I didn't want to weigh myself. 

The day started out bad, alright, but as the day wore on I gradually felt better.  My stomach was upset, and I almost threw up (totally involuntarily), but by night I felt better.  It seems that letting out some anger and giving voice to my pain alleviated some of my fears.  I know that they will not be gone overnight, but a start is a start.  My house even looks different to me.  I hope this feeling doesn't go away, it feels great!

It basically comes down to one thing:  what do I have to lose?  If I don't have the love, trust and respect of the people I love, trust and respect after 36 years of this rigid, tied down life, then the chances that I ever will are pretty darn slim.  Failure is hard to swallow, but what if these are not my failures but somebody else's?  What if I've been living with somebody else's failures, feeling somebody else's pain?  What if this heavy wagon that I've been pulling uphill is not mine?  Could it be this simple?

This is the most free that I've felt in forever.  How could I have missed this?