sweetlies's Journal

It's been  5 days since I left my husband . We both are meth users  and have been useing for 6 yrs. We lost all respect, love, hope, faith. and trust in one another. Most of all, meth has made me a very cold, unloving and untrust worthy person. It has taken my life away and I don't know who I am any more. I've been trying to leave him for a month now. Every time I try he physically makes me stay and talks me right back into staying. Promises things will be better and we will quit. But as always it never changes. As soon as we get payed hes off to the drugies house. Hes the type of person that just cant have a little he goes to the extrem. When the dope is gone, he goes and gets more. Even after I tell him we dont need any more besides when cant aford it. But he'll do it anyway because he doesn't know when enough is enough. Plus he lies about it. Anyway 5 days ago I got the courage to leave him while he was at work. Best choice ive made in a while other than quiting the dope. I'm 3 wks clean. I feel so much happier and at peace with myself because i took mysef out of the dope seen. I told him I wanted a divorice and that was it. Well he couldn't except that weve been on the phone talking all wkend. I been trying to explain why I left. All he would say is how much he loved me and he will do what ever it takes to to make our marriage work even suggested counseling but I had to come home first . I told him no if I did that we would never do it and things would never change. I told him I was staying at my dads until I see some changes in both of us. He couldn't understand that but he finally agreeded. Thursday when I talk to him on the phone I knew right away he was on the dope. I asked and acourse he said no. But in my heart I knew he was lying. Every time we talked on the phone we fought. Friday night rolled around and we got into a big fight and I told him it was over. Next thing I new he was at my dads. Well I got to see for myself that he was on. Again I asked him if he was on it and again he told me no. After that I told me to leave and I never wanted to see him again. The rest of the night he called and called. Saturday came around and I finally talked with him bc I was missing him and really wanted us to work every thing out. So that night I went and seen him so we could talk. I never felt so unconfortable in all my life. He was messed up and how he thought he could hide it was beyond me. Again I asked him and like befor he said he hadn't done any thing wrong. I told him he was lying and I left. Well allnight again he called and we faught about everything. Well sunday and monday he started coming down and if your a meth user you start thinking about life and whats been going on while you was off on your little trip. It hit him hard that I was gone and wanted a divorice. He called me and cryed and cryed and begged me to come home. No i said, I told him to make a list of every thing that boughtered him about me that i could change and I did same. Then we go over it. I came up with 3 pages and him only had 5 things.Hum! Anyway before we got to read them he told me Monday he would give me the divorice and that was It. I said ok. Guess what, tues. morn he called and begged me to come talk with him and go over our list. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you, he did write me a 4 page letter telling me everything that he had done wrong and how he treated me and promised me if God would just give us one more chance he would be the husband he should have been. Tues I went and saw him again this time we did get alot of things worked out. But i could hardly look at him for he was still acting jerky from the dope but I never said anything. Well tonight him and my step son came over out of the blue. We had a nice time with each other. Then all the sudden it hit  me I started having craving . Havn't had a craven for 3wks. All because i knew he had been on it and all I had to do was tell him I wanted sum. I didn't tell him what I was thinking but we started talking about starting over and forgiving each other. I asked him "this was the last time that he would use" he just looked at me and said I promise. Why do they lie when they know we know? Can anyone tell me that? I also told him he had to tell his friends not to come or bring it around and the dealer was never to call. He agreeded. Problem is I don't think we will stay clean. Yeah we would for a while but eventually it would happen again. If that craving would have not hit me tonight I think I would have went home but I told myself no and now I honestly feel like it want change because i know my craving will come back as long as I'm with him. But he has the faith that he can change and make it all better and he really intruly wants it to work. For I know the kind of love we have for each other. But part of me wants to go ahead and end it and the other part wants to try like we never tried befor.