zannatha's Journal

Journal Entry for March 25, 2007 Mood

Sunday, March 25, 2007

I don't know what to say other than I hate life right now. I feel like a fake.. a fraud. I am a youth leader at my church. I have all of these kids coming up to me. Even though i don't broadcast my abuse the abused kids seem to flock to me. They are sitting there questioning God. Why would he let this happen? I want to freaking scream out I DON'T KNOW! I ask the same damn question. I am sick of everything. I prayed that he would make a way for me to go to Texas he couldn't even do that. Never mind the fact that he let me be abused. Let me get treated like shit. I just don't freaking get it. I just want to be locked up in a hospital and let somebody else take care of me for a change. I am so freaking done. I just wish my counselor would say that I need to go to the hospital. I haven't even told her about the thoughts of driving into the lake. Or the SI issues I have been having. I don't know what to freaking do? i don't know what to say. I feel so damn alone. I just don't know what to do.. HELP

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You aren't alone, there are people that are here for you. I've also had the experience of abused children being attracted to me, and I think it is because kids can sense when an adult has compassion and empathy. It seems that they sense a person who will really listen to them and take them seriously. Maybe the minister of your church could advise you of what answer you could give to children who ask why God allows abuse?
My heart goes out to you.

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