Patty1225's Journal

Wow guys....its been a while....so I guess here's an update. I have finished school.....done w my second masters.....and since I last journaled, I have found a great guy who I'm currently living with. He's great....super sweet and so hardworking. You would think I'd be the happiest ever.....but thats not the case.

After almost a year, I had my first anxiety/panik attack about a month ago. I thought it was gone....I stopped taking Lexapro and stopped going to the drs....seemed to be everything was great, I guess I was wrong. Everyday is a constant worry of having an attack or losing my sanity, for no reason what soever. I worry about ppl noticing, or I become worried about loosing my physical abilities to do things. The physical symptoms suck....the tingling, the numbness and pressure in the head and face, the blurry vision, the palpatations. I feel that I have dealt w many stressful situations in my life time, so I wonder why now.....when Im feeling alright. How can I make it go away? How can I stay focused on things that matter?

Last time I became obssessed w my anxiety, I became depressed and sad. I dont want it to get to that point again. I have an appt w my dr tomorrow.....Im sure Ill get lectured for stopping the visits and meds, but I feel I have no choice but to go back. I feel my mind is playing tricks on me....thats not cool. I start summer vacation on Friday.....Ill have a lot of free time on my hands.....thats when my worrying seems to be the highest, during my downtime.....anyone have any suggestions or words for me?

So I'm lying on by bed having a millions thoughts....a bit overwhelmed actually. They say that writing( typing) is good.....so here it goes! Don't judge me...just read (if u want)...otherwise, bounce.

My heart is in a million peices and I pretend to be ok...because Im SUPPOSE to be ok, I mean, it was only 5 months, not even exclusive....but guess what, Im not. When Im busy doing a million things...im ok. When Im alone....I miss him so much. We spoke everyday, we IMed everyday, always thinking about him....how could something that seems so right go so wrong. I know much of what happened was my fault...wanting more than what he wanted it to be. Hes not a bad guy...we just dont want the same things. Why doesnt it seem to be getting better? Hes home for a few weeks and I want to see him sooooo badly, and I know I shouldnt. Im an ass...how can my girls understand me if I dont understand me....

I'm an educated, professional woman with no kids....shouldn't it be easy to find some1 who wants to be with me...dont I deserve to have that person who makes me their everything? I consider myself a confident woman, but I must confess its times like these that make me question myself, and my qualities. I just don't get it. Why do we concentrate so much on the things that we don't have instead of on those things that we do have and take for granted? Its not easy being in a mix of married females, all happy and stuff...Its not jealousy, it wanting to be happy as well. I dont want to settle for less, Im just tired of being alone. That might be one of the reasons why I handled the last 5 months in such a wrong way. I cant take it back. I know I messed that up, I just wish I wouldve done things differently.

My biggest heartbreak is my mother's cancer....OMG I'd give up everything in the world to make my mom's pain go away. My mom has gone through some shit in her life....shes a wonderful, kind hearted woman who would take the shirt off her back to help anyone (and Im not just saying this because she's my mother). She doesn't deserve this, then again, I'm guessing no one does. The doctors say she's making great progress. Seeing her after this 3rd surgery is hard...I dont want her to give up. I know that the chemo is going to kick her ass. It hurts so bad....not being able to make it go away. I feel so helpless. I help around the house, but what can I do to help her from feeling down? How can I stay strong for her if I'm scared shitless myself?

Thanks for your time and support. Im thinking that after venting and wiping these tears from my cheeks, I'll be ok. I have to stay focused, and just keep praying!!