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Soo umm.. wow.. long time I haven't written in this thing.. I feel horrible.. like bad.. for several reasons.. keeping secrets from my closest friend.. Lieing to my councellor.. Basically.. Just lying to everyone.. Including myself.. But.. I gotta go.. Maybe I'll blog here more often.. Bye bye..
Depressed. What else is new? Mom said that I'm not aloud to go see my aunts and uncles and grandparents up near Mirimachi next weekend. Mostly cuz the car is full. Even though she already told me I was aloud to go. She doesn't want more then 2 ppl in the back seat because with all 3 it's just to packed. Erg, there was 3 ppl back there today wasn't packed at all. I can't stop crying whenever I think about not being able to go to the family reunion next weekend.
So besides not being able to go next weekend, I'm working, which I just might call in sick anyways cuz I have to find a way there(walking, 2 hours) and I gotta find a way back at 9:30pm(once again, prolly gunna end up walking for again, 2 hours) Doesn't bother me rlly. It's exercise, more weight hopefully gone. I'm hoping. I can always hope eh?
Well after my appt today everything literly went down hill. I'm not aloud to go see my grandmother, I cried. My oldest sister freaked at me, I cried. My mother told me to get this smirk off of my face(like kinda a raised voice but not quite yelling) and I said I didn't have a smirk. she told me to get the pissed off look off of my face then. I almost looked at her and said "Sorry if I can't remove my face so I can make it better for your liking." But I knew if I said it she would yell at me so I kept my mouth shut. But yet again, I cried but very secretly. Kinda mad that I cried 3 times today. Like I was able to hold it back in my appt today, so why wasn't I able to in the jeep?
I don't remember what happened but in my appt we got to on the topic about me having diffuctly getting close to people. I started to tear up when I was about to tell why so I said I couldn't. Truth is, I'm scared to get close to people because when I do they end up leaving in the end. Like my friend Charlie, Ron, and Giblet. They all died. I was EXTREMLY close to them. They were literly family to me. And when they left me, I felt deserted. I felt like I didn't spend enough time with them. I felt like I should have spent more time with them, talked to them more. So when they died, I felt so horrible. I still do. I really wish they were here.
I wonder sometimes if they were still here, if I would be hurting as much as I do today. I wonder if my life would still be down this path. I wonder why God put me here. Did he put me here to suffer through this. Did he put me here to let me end my life the way I want it to end. Have you ever wondered that if you went to far that, that was your plan, and he would take you into his hands and great you and welcome you to like hell or heaven or where ever you belong?
Lets say that Hell is for people who commited suicide.
And like when u got to hell, you just kinda light on fire and burn until you're dead. And then when you die in hell you come back to earth born into a better child for a different couple or person. And if that couple or person that you trust your life with, would ever abuse to in any way. Or like if you just came back as somebody new but each time, your life ends the same way.. But like if you go to heaven, you stay there and just like live how you've always dreamt of your life being.
I think to much I know. Sometimes to much. I guess my mood right now is not only really depressed and stressed out but also in one of those thinking moods where you like wanna think over everything. Suicide, life( past, present, future), Family, upcoming and past events. What I've done through out the day. What I ate today. Like just everyday things. Mostly my mind right now though is like far off in a distance. I'm thinking about a little bit of everything. Giblet, Charlie, Ron, suicide, cutting, friends, school, how exhausted I am from talking in councelling. Honestly, after not talking a lot for two weeks, I forgot how tiring I get after getting outta the councellors office.
Anyways, I gotta go to work tomorrow and it's going on 11pm here and I need to get some ice as I have gotten homework from my councellor and my urge to cut right now is bad. I don't know if the ice will help but I'm hoping. I'm starting to want to stop cutting. It's weird. But maybe, hopefully, I'll stop. The face that my lil' sister gave me after I told her I never stopped last night was just so shocked. I guess you can say it kinda woke me up outta this.. mhmm lets say.. trance.. She's the one that is making me realize that she and my few friends that I talk to, care about what happen to me and care for what I'm doing.. Anyways I'm off. Post again between tomorrow and monday. Bye bye.
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My appt with the councellor is in and hour and 48mins.. It'll for sure be less when I'm done typing this.
So today was a pretty good day compared to the others. Dad took me out for breakfast(which I appreciate) but I didn't want to eat it all. I had 2 eggs and 3 sausages and there were homemade fries and toast on the side. I don't like potatos so I didn't touch that at all. I ate everything else though. I forced myself. I had to. It was in front of my father. He doesn't know anything. Heck, nobody knows except my best friend. Although last night I told my little sister. I also told her that I never stopped cutting. She was shocked. She didn't know what to say. But I told her I'm trying. So I think she's happy that I'm trying. Anyways back to breakfast. I first ate the 3 sausages and they were small. And after I ate those I was full. I felt like I was gunna be sick but I had to eat more cuz I know my dad would get suspicous. I felt soo sick afterwards. But I got dropped off at the old Simonds Middle School and so I've been walking since 8 this morning. This is like the second or 3rd time I sat down today. Maybe even fourth. *thinks* Nope this is the fifth. Lol. But anyways, I want to cut so bad right now but I can't. One, because I'm with my bff. Two, I'm uptown. And third, my bff would stop me from doing it in public.. I know if we were at someones house she wouldn't be able to stop me cuz I'd have to go to the 'bathroom'.
The nearer my appt gets the more nervous I get. Mostly because I'm still scared to go there and also because I'm giving her this weblog url. And I for sure can't turn back cuz it's on a piece of paper that I have to give her.
Well anyways I got my eyebrow pierced today instead of cutting. Didn't help. Now all I wanna do is cut there. So odd but oh well. I know that I'll end up cutting some time soon. I don't want to cuz I'm going to see my dads family next weekend cuz it's their reunion. But it's like an urge that I can't surpass and it's just like I kinda gotta do it or else it gets worse and worse. It's like with my overdosing feeling. It's still there, it's getting worse and worse but I'm trying to hold back. I'm trying as hard as I can. Anyways I gotta go. I think this blog is long enough for now so I'll update later maybe. Bye bye.
Past Entries
I care about you always a certain annnoying blonde guy does do although according to him we're gonna kill ourselfs...wonder our plan, well hell here we come lol. and u totally can stop cutting i know it.
Unsuredancer
3 times in 1 day huh? im sorry tht really suxs, i remember wen i use to & still do somtimes cry myself to sleep. Ive never losted anyone im close to frm death but ive losted myself completly. The world iz very unfair & hard & i to wonder wat iz god's plan for me & why am i here.....but as u get older ull learn & hopefully ur here to be happy make a great life for urself.
xxForgetRegretsxx