abenapc's Journal

Well today is my baby girl’s due date.  I never actually chose a name for her. I wanted to do this with my husband but the few attempts I made did not yield any results.  So on this day I would have had to absolutely have a name.  So I am going to stop composing this journal and select a name that reflects who she is to me…

After several hours of searching names, and their meanings I have decided to name her Desi Abijah which means Longed for, the Lord is my father
Desi because I longed so much to have her.  As I selected her name while looking at the photo the nurse took of her with the little hat and gown, I explained how I planned her conception.  How I followed the instructions from the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler.  How I awoke every morning to take my basal temperature.  How I charted and determined my most fertile time in the cycle.  How DH and I agreed to avoid BD until that day so his sperm count could be strong.  How I asked daddy if he was ready to make a baby.  I was so nervous and anxious during love making because I wanted everything to be perfect.  I even remained in an optimal position for nearly an hour to help the semen travel in right direction...  You were longed for, you were loved, I love you so much.  I know you are in good hands with the Lord,  He is taking wonderful care of you.  Better than I ever could.  Mommy loves you.  Mommy loves you Desi.  You were longed for.  I long for you still.  I love you.

It was hard for me to look at you at first.  I was thinking I can’t keep doing this. One stillborn was enough.  But as I lay there and the nurse was fiddling around with your body, I became the protective mother and said what are you doing with her.  The nurse explained that she was taking your measurements and dressing you.  I could not bear it any longer, I needed to see you.  I needed to hold you and look at every detail of your body.  It was so amazing to see how big you were.  All you needed was to be fattened up.  You looked a lot like you dad, though your eyes were sealed.  I opened your mouth that would have sucked on my nipples for milk.  I tried to wrap your hand around my finger.  I was so thankful for the opportunity to bond with you, though I longed to hear your voice, to see your eyes, to feel you move again.  I miss you, I love you Desi Abijah.  You are my angel baby.  Now you are with your sibling Matthew Obadiah born/still Jan 25.2007. 

Desi Abijah

Date of Conception (Mommy misplaced the chart, I feel awful)
BFP Feb 28.2008 4wks (So, so happy)
Born/Still June 30.2008 22wks (So, so sad)
Official Due Date November 2, 2008 (missing you)
In my heart forever!