BabyDollGoneWrong's Journal

Ever since my mum walked out on us months ago my Dad hasn't been the same ok so I know it is hard on him but he has gotten so abusive not physically but verbally. One reason my mum walked out was because she couldn't live with the way my dad treated us ok so my little brother my dad usually treats so well and my older sister who is 25 well my dad doesn't see her that much but I still think she is kinda his favourite girl. but then there is me and my older brother who is 20 now it used to be that my dad would treat him worse then he treated the rest of us but that was before my mum left and now my dad treats me like a useless piece of trash.

Because of the depression and other mental problems I suffer with I had to quit my job I am trying to work things out before I try going back out into the working world and my boyfriend has promised to pay my dad all the money I owe him once he gets back from working away but my dad has to use me not working against me all the time. He has basically told me since I don't contribute any money that I have no right to anything, he has told me that even if he has a go at me for something I didn't do I have no right to defend myself because this is his house and I have to do whatever he tells me and that everything he says is right.

Well today something happened which wasn't my fault, it was my little brothers but my dad blamed me and when I said that I didn't do it, he stormed out my room and then yelled " Oh and Missy, I want you out of my house, I have told you about talking back at me I am so sick of you "  even though I did nothing wrong. Basically I am to sit back and take his verbal abuse and not say a word or I will be on the street and I know he will do it coz right now all he cares about is himself and my little brother he has told me that heaps of times.

I know he has seen the cuts on my arms but you would think he would back off if he knew my mental problems had gotten worse again. Somedays I wonder if I was to kill myself would he even care... I know thats stupid but thats how he makes me feel. I think the reason he treats me so bad is coz I am the only female still living in the house, me and my mum used to be so close we always went out drinking together and because I remind him too much of my mum so he takes his anger towards her out on me...

I am so over it I need out of this house. When my mum left basically the first thing my dad did was turn to me and say " IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT SHE LEFT"... Somedays i wonder whether it was my fault and most days I think I diserve the way he treats me, I have always been a disappointment, a mistake... all my life I have been the one that got no attention at all,
I thought being the only one in my family to graduate year 12 would make him proud of me, Geez was I wrong... I always seem to do or say something wrong but if he makes a rude or mean joke and I get offended he goes off at me, I just can't win... I haven't cut in over a week but right now it is starting to sound real good to me...

It makes me so depressed when he gets home from work and has had a hard day or my mum has messaged him to tell him something and all I hear when he walks through the door is FUCK THIS and FUCK THAT and then straight away he has to try to find something to have ago at someone for and mostly it is me, even if I did nothing wrong he will find something... It is hard enough living here and being the only female but to be basically bullied all the time, if my brothers do something and it upsets me or hurts me and I tell them to stop or leave me alone, my dad yells for me to stop picking on them, stop being a bitch, to leave them alone, to get an attitude adjustment or to get out of the mood I am in. they can not do anything wrong anymore and everything I do is wrong...

Well sorry it was so long but I had to get it out and since I can't sleep I thought I would write a blog...