AllGrownUp's Journal

Some of you may remember me from about a year ago.  I was Butterflybelle.  I'm tired.  I don't really feel like writing, but don't feel like sleeping.  I need to do my finances, my checkbooks, etc.

Alot has happened since the last time I was here.  I've moved 4 time since the separation back in June 2007.  The fourth move was my last.  I bought a house.  I love this house.  It's over a hundred years old.  It's beautiful.  It's my dream house.  But it's alot of work, especially for a single person with no help. 

I tried for the past year to get my husband back.  I still don't understand how he can be ok with leaving me, breaking up our family, being away from his daughter.  How he wants to be away from me so bad that he's willing to be away from her.  I don't get it!

I'm still so angry.  I don't want to be in this situation.  I don't want to be divorced.  I don't want to be single.  But here I am, all alone.

I can see why he doesn't want me.  I look in the mirror & see every reason not to want me.  I'm disgusting.  I'm fat.  I never finish anything I start.  I don't know what I want. I'm a mess.  I hate myself.  I hate being this way.  I hate crying for him.  Why can't I be strong?  Why can't I be graceful, beautiful, delicate?  I'm not.  I'm just me, a huge mess of nothing.  Why would anyone want that??

The question is, How does a person change?  How do you become what you want to be on the inside?  How do you become what you want to be on the outside?  How do you really become free, free from the pain, free from the past?  How do you become a new person?  And how do you get over the person who hurt you the most, the person you still love, even though he hasn't treated you  the way you deserve?  How do you move on?  I guess I should have said the questions are, instead of the question is.