kylieml78's Journal

Hey I am feeling a little better now. Still fell apart sun night and last night. But not too bad today. I think I need to mention to my doctor how I am feelign I am already on Zoloft for depression so I might have to up it. Dont really want to but might not have a choice. I wonder what kind of an affect the zoloft will have on bubs! I was told it was one of the safest to take during pregnancy.

My brother came over the other week. I love him so much. Him and his dreads! hehe! He has been having girl problems with his ex. While he is 24 he always turns to his big sis for advice. Well I did raise him till he was 9. My mum was not the best mum around.

By the time I was 9 I was cooking, cleaning, bathing, changing, dressing, everything a mum should do. I was mum to my brother. I fed him looked after him did everything a mum should do. He has thanked me for it and said he is the person he is today partly due to me. Almost made me cry when he said that.

Its funny over the last 5 yrs I have started to forgive my mum. I was angry for a very long time. Angry at everything bad she did. But now I feel sorry for her and feel like if it was not for the way she was I wouldnt be who I am today. Her mistakes made me a better person. I hope!!

I am starting to learn to trust again. It has taken me a long time coz everytime I have trusted in the past it has bitten m,e back 2 fold. All the men in my life and women. Have hurt me one way or another. Or repeatedly like my ex husband used to hit me. I even find it hard to trust women as my friends. Horrible hey?

I know not everyone is out to hurt me. Its just hard to let go of some pain and feelings. I am scared of men though and their strength. I am scared that if I really voice how I feel I will get hit. I have been sexually abused, physically abused and mentally abused! I want to work through them and become better paerson and not be so needy or jealous.

I want to be a better mum and make sure my kids know that I love them. Coz I do. Maybe too much. I want them to know that I tried my best to be the best mum I can be. They all have a special place in my heart. Each for a special reason of their own. I get scared though that sometimes they might hate me for leaving their dad. Even though I did it to give them a better life.

Well I gotta go my bf will be home soon and I have not even started dinner!!