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  From dramarach September 29

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  From CloudStrife September 17

  hope your doing alright.

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  From Xxcassie September 9

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  From squEARL August 16

  Hi there. I am sorry I have been away so long. I haven't been doing well mentally. I got your message about what your dad is going through and I feel bad for not responding. I have thought a lot about it, though, over the past few weeks. What is difficult is that depression is so difficult. Not just for the individual, but for all of those who know and love that individual (i.e., like yourself). Depression is difficult because it effects so many of us in so many different ways. There is no cure for it and there is no real way to fix it. It is up to the individual on whether or not they can recover. I know this sounds grim, but it is what it is. I have dealt with depression most of my adult life. I have been suicidal twice. I have tried, however, to deal with it. I have tried medicine, that I actually did quite well on. I had to stop taking it several years ago, however, when I lost my insurance. I have been severely depressed over the past several weeks (not from being diagnosed with AIDS, but from the interactions I have had with my ex-wife and not being able to be with my daughter). I think, GOD-DAMNIT! I am 38 years old and back living with my parents. I MUST be a failure. I am also afraid that by the time Viveca is your age, she will hate me or think I am a loser. I have an ex-wife who, despite the fact that she still loves me, says things to me that does not instill self-esteem. She is frustrated. But she has become acustomed to taking it out on me. I am running out of steam, as it were, in dealing with that. I say this to you because we all have different reasons why we are sad or feel hopeless. I go to work every day, even though my doctors told me not to because if I don't, there would be no reason for me to get out of the bed. I go to the gym twice a day so that I can keep up my physique (I know what self-image is). I spent most of my life being obese. If it weren't for the HIV, I wouldn't have lost all of that bad weight. That's my joke: "HIV...nature's best diet" I don't want to get back to that point, though, because that, too fueled my depression. Feeling undesirable. People tell me I should model or be an exotic dancer. I get extremely bashful when I hear that because I still feel obese. That is how I identify with myself because that is how I have lived my whole life. I know this is something a lot of women go through. Society puts that pressure on girls. The media does. I fear for my daughter because of that. I am trying to help her learn self esteem at an early age. It is hard, however, when you don't have much yourself. Gay men have it kind of like girls do. I never got the time of day when I was over weight. But now that I look the way I do, I am suddenly desirable by those very ones who wouldn't look at me twice. That is hard. It is why I don't sleep around. I think I have developed many more friendships, too, when meeting new people. What I mean, is this: had I have slept with them initially, I probably would have never heard from them again. But, because I didn't, I have earned their true respect. They know me for who I am and can appreciate that. I don't know, it's weird. But, like I said, I think gay men have a lot more in common with women than you might realize. "Where can I meet a good man?!" Anyway, back to your father. He needs to find his inspiration and motivation. It can't be given to him. You can push him and make suggestions or try and make him realize things, that due to his mental illness, can't necessarily see. The one thing that will help the most: don't be angry at him. I know this is hard, because I know you can feel it. Just don't let him know it. That is coming from me personally. That is what has been the most damaging to me is not wanting to talk about how I feel for fear that it will make others angry. It made my ex-wife very angry when I went trhough it the first time. I think it is an anger that she has never gotten over. Anyway, he needs to do it himself, but with your help. Try and get him to do things (either things that yu know he liked, or something completely new). For me, getting out of the house HELPS. I am doing new things because I am in a new place. That can help. I look forward to my walks because it is a time for me to self-reflect. Well, I hope YOU are doing well. If your dad is worried about having AIDS or dying, tell him my story. Tell him my numbers and how I have recovered. 06/09/08 CD4: 12 VL: 350,000 07/15/08 CD 4: 150 VL: 364 Haven't been in the hospital since the end of May. As Paris Hilton says: That's Hot. Let me know how you and your dad are doing. Earl

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  From CloudStrife August 14

  lol, thanks. ^_^ my parent's bought that sword for me a few years ago.

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