calibur's Journal

I've joined DS here and managed to lurk around for a while before I worked up enough courage to actually post a journal.  I thought the best way to start my journal writing would be a basic understanding of what has brought me here and general background information.  The fact is that I am a very private person, one who is far more content to listen, to lurk and read others posts that allow me to think I am not alone then I am to post anything of my own.  That being said, I have decided that it would be beneficial to me to actually write some of my own journal entries here in a safe environment.

Just as fair warning I am often completely scatter brained thanks mostly to my hectic schedule.  I work full time as a supervisor and am a full time college student (to be graduating this coming year with my associates).  This often means I can ramble without ever meaning to.  For that I apologize now.   

Currently I am in three support groups, each one indicating a specific reason I am here.  They, I suppose, are fairly self-evident however I have an issue with denial.  I tend to believe if I don't ever write something then it isn't true.  Having the truth in my head it alright, it only become "real" once it's been written.

I am bipolar.  I was put on medication while still in high school after dealing with my third therapist.  I hated who I became on the medication and refused to ever be put on any again.  Since that time I have learned to bury most of the symptoms (I used to be mostly in a depressed state however now suffer from worse mania).  This is not to say I do not still have the problems, I simply am far better at managing and suppressing them so that only my closest family know anything is wrong.

I am a mostly recovered cutter.  I injured myself for many years when I was younger for a multitude of reasons.  Over time I have learned tricks to keep from doing so.  It has been five years, four months, and three weeks and two days since I last cut myself.  That is not to say in the least that I don't have the same desire to do so, I simply have managed not to succumb.  The fact that I know the exact day I last intentionally hurt myself tells you how I struggle with that urge.

The final and most difficult issue for me is my past having to do with my abuse.  Even that sentence to admit it took place took me nearly five minutes to word and type.  It is what I find most difficult to write, to admit to.  I was sexually abused for many years as a child and I have no doubt that it has affected many aspects of my current life, behavior, and internal dialog.  My family does not know.  There have only been four people who know anything about it, all people I've trusted and all people I have loved dearly each in their own way.  I denied it to all the therapists I have ever seen.  I do not think I could actually say out loud what happened and while I feel I am articulate in all other aspects of my life, I hope I can find  a way to come to terms with this problem.  Slowly I hope here I will be able to admit and accept what has happened as it cannot be changed.

That is the extent of my rambling for now.  I believe that journaling my experience like this will be very beneficial for me.