BehindBlueEyes4's Journal

i know more than ever now that it is done.  i'm busting my ass and i getnothing from him but bullshit.  he finally put his hands on me infront of our son the other night.  he was yelling at john to stop yelling at mommy.  he didnt punch me or anything but come at me and grab me up etc, but thats enough.  i dont want to live like this anymore.  today i had a huge math exam that i was nervous about.  all i asked him was to take our son out to play so i could take it, then go to the grocery store because he wants to go to the pool tomorrow then we have shopping and laundry and everything else to do.  we put our son down for a nap and he rolls out to take a drive, of course the baby wakes up and i am interupted through the last half of my test, needless to say i got a bad grade, now i could get a c instead of a b and ruin my gpa.  but see it is too much for him to consider anything but himself.  then he comes home and tells me he is going up his friends house (45 min away) and taking $20 to buy beer.  so thats at least 15-20 in gas and 20 for beer.  here i bust my ass at work, cant even buy another pair of work pants so i dont have to do laundry every night and he shows up to work when he wants and does what he wants.  we dont even have rent money cuz he hasnt worried about getting checks from his boss all fucking month. 

i'm so tired of bitching about something that will never change, i'm so tired of him telling me he's unhappy - yeah?  well look at me motherfucker!  do i look fucking happy?  do you see me smile??  fuck your feelings!  then he tells me to leave and then says he'll kill me if i do.  so.....here i am.  alone again in a filthy house that i could clean all night for him to trash over the next couple days while i am working.  i'm desperately trying to hang on to my sanity.  i'm trying the best i fucking can and its not working, its not gonna work.  we are supposed to get his van on the road with my check on the 5th with the agreement that he will get a real job that is fulltime work and fulltime pay.  yeah - we'll see where this one gets me.  the van is in my name and will be on my insurance.  it will make things easier with the baby and transportation but i know he is not leaving this job until the boss closes (and he is eventually) and then we are fucked cuz he'll be out of work.  i'm starting to hate.

i'm trapped here with a person that feeds off making me miserable, that goes into fits when he doesnt stop until i am buckled.  why defend myself?  why argue the same shit over and over.  i'm so done and there is no way out.  i never want to be with anyone but john, but i dont want to be with john either.  i have always known i was supposed to be alone.  i have always known that my soul is ripped into shreds.  will i never know love that is easy?  love that is special?  love that is true?  he said if i try to leave and take our son he will kill me or hisself, i know this is true.  he has nothing but us but that is his own making.  he has no goals, no ambitions, no looks toward the future.  i am all goals and ambition, i am all prayers and wishes for what my future will be.  does no one know what i go through everyday just to be a manager at my store, a fulltime student, a mom, a girlfriend?  does anyone know that i dont get even a moment of peace, ever?  even our son has started yelling at me.  i came home the other night from work and he actually told me to go back to work.  that broke my heart.  john gets to spend all the time with our son because he does nothing and i bust ass and still get treated like shit.  i dont know why i deserve this.  is god punishing me for making the same mistake again?  if He didnt intend for this to be then why did he grace me with my son?  i thought he meant for me and john to make it because of the crazy circumstances.  now i think my adult life will be everything i dreamed of escaping in my childhood.  am i here because this is all i know?  abuse, being the maid of the household, neglect.  

i want to be free, i want to play and laugh with my son because i am peaceful enough to do it, i want to be appreciated, i just want someone to tell me they know i am trying so hard and i am doing a good job.  my heart hurts so bad i can hardly breathe 

i had a dream last night that i was looking for someone and i got on this elevator alone and it was going all over the place.  my feet were coming off the floor like i was in midair and i was desperately trying to hold onto the side or top.  i remember being so afraid that the elevator was falling and just as i thought it was it would slow up or go sideways.  i remember thinking that this elevator has the craziest path, and being just so afraid in the pit of my stomach.  when the elevator stopped and the doors opened i woke up, i didnt see who was standing there.  i know what this dream means.  my life is going all over the place and i cant see where exactly it is headed and i am completely afraid and feeling out of control.  everytime that i feel like i am falling, something slows me down, even the tiniest thing...the tiniest bit slower, and i get the littlest bit of hope, then it speeds up again.  i couldnt see who was on the other side when the doors opened because i dont know who will be there when my world stops spinning.  i dont know who will still be there for me when i am at a good place in my life.  nat is the only friend i feel i still have.  my cousins have started to surface but i'm not really interested in their friendship...or so-called friendship.  i know what the deal is. 

i was thinking last night how wonderful it would be to be with someone who did nice things for me, made me dinner or just something special - something stupid, to show he cared.  i wish that could be john but i think we are far beyond that point.   i wish i could go back and find where it got so bad.  when did everything go to shit?  we always had a lot of problems but we loved each other so much that we worked around them.  now, its all problems.  all he does is sit on the computer and i dont want to look at his face anyway.  i dream of being saved, but i have always dreamed of that - ever since i was a child i dreamed of escape, always trapped, always lonely, always afraid, all the time hoping my life would be better when i got older and had more control.  now i'm older still dreaming of rescue.  i do remember a time when i found christ and new a peace within.  i have been thinking about trying to find him again, maybe i could let him fill me with love and forgiveness, peace.  maybe i'l just end up blaming Him again and turning my back again.