BehindBlueEyes4’s Profile

Close Families & Friends Of Addicts

My family owns a bar and I have lived my entire life around drunks and addicts. All my family members are addicted to something. All of them are different people during different highs or levels of sobriety. I have always been the one to yield for the sake of not arguing, because I just always wanted something close to normal. I realize now that I never knew normal. I sacrificed so much to work at my family's bar because I felt a responsibility. It is a constant feeling of guilt that has been manipulated into me since childhood. I've been through it all, really. Until recently I always thought I had it reasonably under control. My life is constant stress, but thats all I know. Even my high school drug counselor told me she didn't blame me for smoking some pot. Once I broke it down to her she was stunned. Anyway, back to the point, just recently my mother and her brother, my uncle, turned on me and all of a sudden I am out of a job and they are out of my life for good. I can not deal with the drugs and drama anymore. My mother is the main reason I am here. She was amazing when I was growing up. I thought she knew everything and always told the truth. What a cruel realization I came to. My mother is crazy. Really, she is. She got gastric bypass surgery about 8 years ago and had a bad oxycoton problem and things went downhill fast. I could not even begin to explain how terrible she is to me, the way she has manipulated the relationships within our family. My father and I just recently started having a normal relationship again. We had been at each others throats for years, with her sitting right in the middle where she is all too comfortable. Every interaction with her is so twisted. Basically my mother is gone. The woman who raised me and whom I admired blindly is gone to the wind and this other woman is here instead, and I am the enemy. In the recent months every person I know and love has turned their back on me or broke my heart in some way. Now I feel totally and utterly alone, separated from anything else (except my 2 year old, he is the ONLY reason I am still here today, this life has been too hard) I need help dealing with all of this. I have done it all these years myself and I can't anymore. I feel myself slipping. My boyfriend does try sometimes to understand and sympathize but I can tell he's so damn tired of it he doesn't want to hear it. He's been around for over 6 years. No one has ever been able to stick around through all the shit I deal with that long. I don't really have many friends to speak of. Most of the people around me are drunks or addicts and their drug of choice is their only true friend. Once I get hurt I ease off with people. Now I find myself totally feeling alone and probably lower than I have in years. I feel worse than when I was in 10th grade and I kept catching my mom cutting herself in the kitchen. All of these things I used to not think about are flooding back into me. I have no one to tell and I don't even know if I could. How do you tell someone that you know for a fact you were molested as a child, that sometimes you have random flashes in your head and you get sick to your stomach, but you can't piece it together fully. It haunts me and I am too afraid to let myself know what exactly it is. I just always thought I had everything in my head under control, and now I feel like I don't know where anything is going.