aliselvis's Journal

again he txted me to see how i was so i replied im fine. he did txt back to sayitwould be nice to catch up. catch up with what ? i have nothing to say to him anymore. he let me down so bad when i need him so much. when i crie like a baby, shake like a leaf, when i not able to get out when im not abl to get outof bed. where is he. he is carrying on as normal going out with mtes getting drunk, goes to shops, goes to work. does all things. i used to do things i cant do now. and he has the cheek to say would be nice to ctch up.........

He came round, he had a few beers, i sat there shaking, figdeting chewing my nails, still not focusing... he had the nerv to ask me what was wrong... oh he knows full well whatis wrong so why did he bloody ask.. he said you are not ur self... i told no i will never be myself ive been like this for a long time nervous, scared, empty. tired, emotional. not as though he cares, no he doesnt understand. so i told him im fine dont wry about me, i can take care of me i dont need u for that.. so he got pissed ... then itwas well its bed time... yes he stayed why did i let him stay, i should of know that he wanted to... but i did fuk what is wrong with im starting to hate him a little more then before, i now no i dont feel anything for him, i wouldnt want anything to happen to him i still care, butithas changed my whole out look of him has changed... i dont think he ever did love me the way he says he did.. but yet i let him stay in my bed and i let him hold me, ilet him kiss me..it was nice to feel and smell him and i felt safe, and comforted, but why the hell wasnt i strong enough to say go away, what am i holding on to ????

he left in morning, i went straight in bath i felt dirty and cheap and used by him. im not sure wether he just come around to make himself feel better, or wether it is that he cares

i no i dont have any feelings for him. im cold towards him. i noticed it that nite.. im cold towards myself anyway. i now have realised i never needed him for support i never needed him to pick up the peaces, i never needed him full stop. so now that it  never agin will he come over i wont let it... never never never. icant trust him with my feelings i cant trust him with my fears i cant trust him with anything....I dont need him dragging me down doubting what i say or what i do. i dont need him ........

IT IS OVER