sparkle4779's Journal

I would like to think that mentally and emotionally I have been doing much better. I have accepted what has happened and am allowing H the chance he begged for to prove that he loves me and wants a life with me.

Now there is the physical pressure that comes and goes on my heart. It feels like a weight. As if somone is pressing down on my chest with all their energy making it difficult for me to breathe. I know what this is. This is my body reacting to the stress and anxiety that has been brought into my life. I am still having a difficult time sleeping at night. I wake multiple times for no reason. Sometimes, to check on where he is & other times to go to the restroom or to change positions. I think it will be a while before I am at peace again and can sleep through the night.

It's amazing. If it is not one thing it is another. One of ther reasons I am most bitter at H for bringing this into my life is because I feel like he has stolen more time away from me and E (my baby girl). I went back to work when she was very young to support us financially and it took me a long time to be okay wiht that. Now I feel like I am being pulled into this and again being taken from her. It is not fair this is the time that I should be cherrishing with her. This is the time I should be happiest. I have waited a year to get my summer off to be with her and he brought this upon us and into our home.

I am going to continue to do what I can to stay busy and enjoy my little E. I will not give this up to him. I have waited too long. I have planned for too many years to have this time with my daughter and I will not let his foolishness take it from me.\\

I don't know what is going to happen to h and I. Somtimes I try to pretend like this never happened and want to continue on as normal but other times I think I can never forgive him and do not want him in my life. It is a sort of hatred. I almost want to rid myself of this person who I have supported emotionally and financially. Sometimes I think, "what do I need him for? I can make it on my own". AND for the most part that is true. I can make it on my own, but E needs her father. I don't feel that I can make that decision for her. I know that if we get a divorce, he will move away and never look back. He has told me that many times. I'm not sure if he does it to scare me into staying with him or what. But I do believe one thing, If I decide to leave him one day I will be saddened for the pain that she must endure but I will NEVER feel responsible for that Pain. H knew. I told him many times that if he ever cheated I would leave. So if I do leave, it will be a decision that I was forced into.

In the end the truth remains that I love H. I adore H, or atleast I used to. I don't have much faith in men and doubt that I will ever meet anyone better than him to build a life with. True or not, this is what I believe. SO my choices become either stay with him and try to work this out for the benefit of all or live as a single mother. For right now, I am choosing the first. I believe that people make mistakes. I am not perfect, I cannot expect others to be. If we all turned our backs on the people who hurt us,  who would be left? These are all the reasons why I have chosen to attempt to make it work. I believe that i deserve time. I deserve the opportunity to make a well thought out decision. I owe it to my dughter, myself and my God to be able to say I tried.... I'm not at a point where I can try my best because there is still so much anger, hurt and betrayal that I cannot give me best, but I can give.

I'm journaling, seeing a therapist, on meds and keeping busy. I am trying to have fun and be supportive during Hs difficult financial times but above all I am accepting of the cards I have been dealt. We don't have any say in what God gives us. we can only make the best of what we have. So I'm working with it. I'm working with the hand that I have been dealt.

I have been through a few other struggles in my life and have learned from them. I think that in time, this will only make me more compassionate to the pains of others. I will admit, I had become numb for a while. So I guess this is a Good pinch to reawake.

 I don't know a lot of things but I know that I love him and I know that I see him trying. In the end all that I can say is:

God grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

and Wisdom to know the difference