BCw3's Journal

Journal Entry for February 20, 2008 Mood

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Why is it that some people can remain committed to a relationship and do anything to work through it; while others are willing to throw away years in the blink of an eye? Is being married even worth the hassle? Is being in any committed relationship worth it? Is it possible for two people to find and fall in love with each other? We all look for something different in a partner, how likely are you going to find someone who fits your perfect description and you theirs? It seems most of us thought we had that at one time, so what happened? Is it just simply that we made a poor choice or do people change or perhaps one person just settled? How do you know if the next one will be the one?

I know one thing, don't settle because you feel lonely. If someone isn't right for you, then know upfront and let them know, sorry, but your not the one for me. I also think we should be thankful when someone tells us sorry, were not the right one for them. We don't want someone to settle, we want someone who truly wants to be in it for the long haul.

I think back and still think I made a good choice. She is a great mother and put up with my shit longer than most would have. She doesn't really know it, but she saved my life. She stayed until I got the help I needed. She needed to move on and live her life, she didn't need someone holding her back. She and I really did click well when we were younger. We both enjoyed sports. We used to play basketball, tennis, racket ball, etc. We believed in the same thing. It took me a while to realize she was the right one for me. She wasn't the most beautiful looking girl I ever dated, but she was the best girl I ever dated.

I know I drove her away, I forced her to find happiness else where. Why? Well because I wanted to die or more accurately kill myself. I hoped she would find someone else, someone who could make her happy. Someone who could make her world perfect and give her the things I couldn't. I wanted to make sure she was OK before I left. Funny, I still can remember thinking that I would rather die than see a psychiatrist. I would have been too embarrassed if anyone found out. If anyone wants to know how a macho male thinks, just ask. I was him. I was the guy who never cried, who never allowed pain to hold me back. The one to suck it up and drive on. The one to never talk about how I felt.

So here I am today, a better person and successful in driving away the only person who really loved me. All because I was too proud to admit I had a problem. I would call my family close, but the guys in our family, well we all don't talk about our feelings. If anything our way is to joke about it or get angry. One of the joke is about "hulking out". When we were younger particularly, one of the boys would get made and like the hulk; start tearing stuff up. I look back on this and know it's because we couldn't express ourselves verbally. It was pent up frustration at not being able to communicate.

I was only 6 months into my therapy and "getting better" when Sue left. I know it was a difficult decision for her. She had fallen out of love with me long ago or, more accurately, I forced her out of my life. I forced almost everyone out of my life. I maintained a good outside image, I played the game in public. At home, I would just go into my cave and shut everything out. I had no energy, it took everything I had to put on my game face and get the day done with. I had nothing left for her and little for the kids those last couple of years.

Well all that's in the past and there is no going back. I'm sad for being such a jackass, but can only move on from here. I'm fortunate to have found some wonderful friends on this site, especially those who put up with all my BS. I believe I will find someone, someday that will be my perfect match and I hers. There is no hurry, I have special people around me now and I'm starting to enjoy my life as it is.

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Comments

I agree that settling is never a good or healthy thing. Easy to do when we are lonely but never good for the long road.

I am happy to hear that you are moving forward and have made some good friends here. I have done that as well.

Good luck with your continued therapy. Your kids deserve a dad who is happy :)

KimN3
Your journal entry is really open, honest and heartfelt. Good to get all of that out and written out. Sometimes people leave, because the pain they feel when they're around, is difficult to bear..........they don't know how to deal with that pain, so rather than stay and help you fight...........they move away. That was their choice...........but you've made some very positive choices and chances which are helping you and your health. That's probably the most important aspect, is maybe you've found yourself and what will make you happy. Its sad when we lose someone we really connected with, but you have some great memories, and those are the "good things" to hang onto........and let the bad memories go.

Its life lessons that can either move us forward or if we hang onto the grief too long, we can get frozen into staying in the same spot and not growing.

Its good to see you happier, that will bring some changes in the future to you.

rms
You have expressed yourself very well here. I think many men do not cry or express their feelings. Maybe it is how you were raised or maybe it is part of your personality. I do not think you should just blame yourself for your marriage falling apart. What happened to "in sickness and in health"? Maybe her blame is somewhat less than yours but she still bears some of it. I guess we will never know all the answers. And maybe we should not ponder the "whatifs" too much. I think we just need to take what we know now and go with it. Who knows what will happen down the road. That said you have 3 great kids who need you and accept you as you are. So do fun things with them. Of course, I do not know the answers. I guess noone is perfect. Anyway glad you are able to express yourself. You have come a long way. Hate these growing pains!

Njoy03
Seeking answers is a painful process, one that we have to accept means we might may not always find those answers. You say that you forced Sue out, but maybe she left on her own. I know one thing, you were in therapy six months and you did take that step to move forward to help yourself.

As far as putting on a game face, I have to say many of us at times do that. Could it be the daily stresses of life that get us down sometimes? I know in my case I was working major overtime and trying to run a household to come home to a husband who was unhappy with his life.

It is normal to get caught up in day-to-day.

My stbx has his own issues I won't go into here, but he seeked someone on MYSPACE as his out. Now he's out there looking back in and I think he wants back but I see that he is afraid, and he needs therapy.

None of us has the answers, but the good news is through the process of DISCOVERY we are analyzing and seeking the answers... we are reaching out to others and yes, you are right we are GROWING.

As Njoy03 says, this growing process is sometimes painful, but there is some fun to it as well.

Keep on expressing yourself, keep on moving forward...

You will meet someone, that much I know and believe.

I believe there is someone out there for everyone of us :-)

ChrisB
I think it is good to reflect on the past but you need to focus on the new man you've become and the future and moving on....you are a great guy and you've come so far and you need to remember that! I truly believe things happen for a reason and that there is someone out there for you....
HUGS :)

mrsmixedup
I really like the part about not settling. And trying to make the right choices. Ya know, I truly thought I made the right choice with Brett. Thought about it for 2yrs before I walked down that aisle. Just like Nancy said, sometimes we need to stop worry about the answers we will never receive. On my good days, I forgive Brett as we were missing the hott sex chemistry that I had with Pirate. On the bad days I think; still how could he cheated and not worked on the marriage? How could he say the things he said, etc etc.
Sometimes, like currently, I think. Ya know it happened. Doesn't matter why (so many of us going thru it for difffernt reasons)-- what matter is: It happened. It fricking hurts. Lots of learning to do thing again without them and sometimes its just better to focus on the future and ourselves and stop beating ourselves up for what may or may not have been. Its over. Doesn't matter why. Unfortunately, for many of us, it doesn't matter because THEY, the other half do not want us and we are just wasting time, energy and more pain trying to figure out how to make it work, when in their mind, there is nothing to work on.
I no longer hate Brett. For the most part I don.t Hate some of the things said. Hate the way he went aobut it. But I've forgiven him in my heart and ready to find one who loves me unconditionally--even when I get "hyper". And I also refuse to settle which is why my dates have not progressed past the 1st date. If I know from the 1st date it ain't gonna work, why waste time. I know it make take more than a few dates, but I haven't even been close yet. :)
Oh well. I have you to flirt with. I have Nancy, Chris, Kate and so many others to hang out with. We will get there.

srambled
You are a brave guy and I'm glad that you are not going to use the end of your marriage to crawl back into your cave. With a better understanding of who you are and your ability to talk things out..you will be able to find someone again. You can give your kids the benfit of your knowledge and teach them that it's okay to not always be strong and to talk about your feelings. You're not a jackass. A jackass would not take the time to figure it all out and be there for his kids. You are a good guy. Don;t forget to be nice to yourself.

Che2
I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're a great guy and deserve the best.

Sorry this isn't a full paragraph!

SurvivingThis
That's a great attitude Tim but where is all this coming from? Why are you looking at the past? Talk to me hun......

mdiz3
That's a really nice, heartfelt entry...and you say you aren't good at expressing yourself. :) See how you've grown.
I don't think we made poor choices or settled, I think one just grew and wanted different things. We can't have regrets, it doesn't get us anywhere. I stopped trying to figure out why some things happen the way they do. I have just accepted that I may never know. There are a lot of things that aren't fair or don't make any sense, I guess the important thing is to learn from our experiences. You are obviously doing that and growing and making changes to better your life. Don't ever settle, life is too short for that. When the time is right you will find love again.

newlife7
Wow Tim -- you have some real friends here... look at all this response...

Says a great deal ABOUT YOU my dear!

Have a great Fraturday!

ChrisB
Tim, such a great personal reflection. I enjoyed this entry a lot.

AhHa