jennrozell's Journal

2 month angel day Mood

Monday, July 7, 2008 | A Sad story

Today it has been two months since i lost the light of my life. It feels like yesterday i looked into his beautiful innocent eyes and held him for the first time. I hurt just as much as i did the day i lost him. Somedays i think i hurt even more. I miss him so much. I feel like i am living on a roller coaster. When i am kept busy i feel ok, not great but ok, but at the end of the day when i sit at home alone i miss him even more. I then feel giulty for feeling ok that day. I feel like a failure as a mother. I didnt protect him when he needed me the most, i couldnt do anything for him. I feel guilty for all thhose times i got frusterated cause i was so tired and he wouldnt sleep. And i feel giulty for not crying every hour of every minute of every second of the day. I dont deserve to feel ok, i dont want to feel ok. Most of the time i am miserable. I ache for him. Sometimes i think that if i pray hard enough or wish hard enough than maybe by some miracle he will come back to me. Then reality kicks in and i know it will never happen. I am selfish i dont want to wait until it is my time to leave i want him here and now and i just cant settle for anything less. I love him with my whole heart and my life is so different now, i cant love like i used to and i know thats not fair to everyone else, but i cant, without him love just doesnt exist right now. I feel so empty and alone all the time.

Lucas you are the best part of me. Without you i feel empty, i try everyday to just live off of your memories, i just feel like i dont have enough of them. I hope you will always know how much i love you, nothing can or will ever change that. You have a part of my heart that not one single person will ever be able to have, not even another child. I will love that child unconditionally but you have that piece of my heart and it is yours alone to keep. I miss you so much my handsome boy. Mommy loves you forever and always.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hug jennr...

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Comments

What you wrote to Lucas is very sweet. The roller coaster ride of emotions can be a very scary place. But please know you did not fail as a mom. We all did everything that we could do!

babymarley
My heart breaks reading this....you did everything you could. You were the best mother you could possibly be and Lucas knows that. Ill be praying for you!

Akisha
we have all been there, or are there now. I still feel empty all of the time. I fear I will not be able to bond with this child like I did Jakob, I am scared I will be too fearful to get close to him..I am praying that away. I have just recently begun to learn how to love again, how to live and still grieve like Jakob deserves me too. Like I have to, like I need to. We will all get through this together. For some it comes faster, for others it takes a lot longer to figure out how to do things again, how to live and remember/love/miss/ache for and grieve at the same time. Jakob has been gone for almost 10 months now...it still hurts like yesterday. When I thing about that day, the moment I knew he wasnt coming back, I feel just as I did at that moment...it is physically sickening...as it was that day, and many days after...

Jakobsmommyalways
Like jackobsmommy said we have been there and are still there. this is not a rollercoaster we choose to be on. Hang in there mommy, we are on the seat next to you

Moosesmom
I read this with watery eyes, and want to tell you that you are not a failure as a mother..I know that it feels that way as i have the same feelings constantly..I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and believe me I know its hard but just try to remember our angels wouldnt want us to cry and hurt allthe time..they want us to learn to live again, though we know we will never be the same again!

krying
Sweety,
All of these ladies said it right! I really can't add anything more.

NickNicksmommykitkat