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jennrozell's Journal

I appologize Mood

Saturday, June 21, 2008 | A Sad story

I appologize to everyone for getting upset in my last journal entry.I am not very good at putting myself out there, or being the first person to strick up a conversation. I have always been a little bit shy. Not many people in my family talk about Lucas, i am not sure why, i assume it is just upsetting for them, but i just want and need to talk about him all the time. He was the most important part of my life and always will be, so i guess i just wanted everyone on here to talk to me about Lucas. I know everyone else is dealing with the same pain that i am, so i know it isnt fair to expect people to drop everything for me. I am sorry. I have met some really nice people on here, and if anything, writing these journals is a way for me to express everything i am feeling, so that really helps. I am still devestated about losing Lucas, but it seems now there are days that i am just really piised off because i dont understand why he was taken instead of me. He was supposed to burry me, not the other way around, so i guess iwas just taking my frusterations out on everyone else, when really that isnt at all what i am angry about. I just him so much!!Somedays it hurts to even breath because i know that he is gone and i am still stuck here. It is a chore to get out of bed everyday. I frequently think about ending my pain, but then i know how devestated people who do care about me would be, and how dissappointed Lucas would be in me for giving up. I am sure everyone at one point or another has thought about giving up, it just seems to be very regular for. Anyway for now i am just going to push myself to go on.

Hug jennr...

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Comments

do remember that you had the courage to join DS. you were the one that emailed me saying "sorry for your loss." we all replied to you in a way to lend our help and support. there's probably nothing ud say that would shock us, upset us, or surprise us! we've heard it all here. what ur experiencing is normal and we've been through it and are still going through it. like i said in my last response to u - tell ur family that they need to listen - it's what u need most right now and they should respect that. and, if they won't listen... come to DS and talk to us. tell us about him. write a journal and we'll respond. post photos and we'll comment. if u have questions ask us. but most importantly, respond to us when we write.

they say "time heals a broken heart" and in my mind it's more like "take it one day at a time." there's going to be times when we see babies that remind us of our lost ones. a milestone that we're missing in our child's development. a holiday we'd much rather share with them. everyday and everywhere we're surrounded by reminders, memories, mementos.

just remember that while they aren't here with us in physical form, we must live everyday for them as if they were still here. they expect that from us. remain positive. it will get easier - not better, just easier.

find a local support group or a counselor. join your local SIDS organization. volunteer. start a scrapbook of your son. get a freakin tattoo to memorialize him. create a memorial garden. anything to keep him alive.

i got to the point where i felt guilty for not thinking about him - for not shedding a tear one day. i felt like i was heartless. why was i able to live another day. i almost wanted to be miserable and unhappy but im too much of a glass half full kind of girl. i learned to accept that and i decided to do things that would make my son proud of me.

we will try again for a family, probably next year. when it does happen, i will tell her our new child all about wesley and how wonderful he was. they'll learn to love him as if he was always there with them.

find a mom on here who's experience seems similar to yours. reach out to them and ask questions or just vent. shit, contact kitkat - she said i could yell at her if i needed to get something off my chest. read some of her journals and ull see LARGE TYPE IN ALL CAPS bitching about something or another. JK LOL LOVE U KAT!

ull figure it out. be patient. we are here for you...

BuddhaBaby
hahahahahaha Buddha love ya hunny!
Jenn,
Sweety you really don't need to appologize seriously, we all have been where you are. Yes you are devastated and pissed off and you know what, after a loss like this it is normal to be, shit, we'd be worried if you weren't! I have days where I rant and rave like a nut on here. As April said, when I am really needing to rant and rave I use really large fonts for some reason, it works for me, it helps.
When I am missing Nick and I want to put something out there about him, I will start a discussion post, sometimes when I need to take my mind off of things I will start an off topic discussion post.
As a child/teen I was terribly shy (YES ME lol), so I do understand where you are coming from. In my adult life I have learned to become out spoken and I get my point across. I know it is hard when you are the quiet girl in the shadows to say "hey everyone look at me, I need to talk about Lucas right now," but honestly hunny, it is okay to be bold and blunt on this. You are absolutely right to want to talk about him. People in my life do the same thing, outta sight outta mind....all I can say on that is UH HELL NO, our babies were alive and they were here. It is up to us to make the world know this and not forget them.
As for the thoughts of ending it....think about it this way, you have people in your life who miss Lucas too, don't make them miss you as well. Do not make Lucas's life and death the cause of yours, that really isn't fair to his short legacy. You are right, we just gotta drag our butts outta bed as much as it hurts. You are still in the very early days of this hell. I have just hit the 7th month since losing Nick. Seven months in I can say that it doesn't go away, you learn to live with it, some days you might even have a smile or two, you still have the awful days and nights, but those truly don't happen as much, they tend to sneak up on you. the okay days will start some time and perhaps a good day or two and out of the wood work a bad day can surface, expect it, after the bad days you learn to treasure the okay ones. This is a very long road and it sucks, but know you aren't alone!!! We are here hunny, we are all approachable, you wanna talk you can hit any of us up! HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NickNicksmommykitkat
April & Kathy pretty much summed it up and they made me feel better by what they told you, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. (hugs)

arihanna
You dont have to apologize we have all been there and I keep going back! The best way that I have found to meet people on here is starting discussion post and it brings all the wonderful people right to you. I hope that you can put a smile on your face real soon and one thing that I have learned is that you will never be the old normal there is a new normal out there.

krying
Just take a day at a time. They will always be a part of us and we will always miss them and think of them.

ckdeedee