james021011976's Journal

I am going to stay awake through today like I have done other days. This time though I stay up until 9 pm tonight and I will get up at 7 am tomorrow if not up before hand.

I am going to go and do some clothes shopping today. I need some jerseys and some underwear. I need some new jeans now too seeing as how all my old jeans look like tents on me now lol.

I think in my mind I am slowly starting to accept my situation. I did not make the choice to be here on this cold winters morning in my bed alone writing a journal about tring to sleep on my laptop. But this is where I am, this is what is happening and I need to just think what is it I need to do to get on with my life now. 

I think in the last two weeks I have managed to come a long way with a lot of things. I have given up smoking. I have managed to socialise without the fear , anxiety and depression ruling my mood. I am starting to smile again (slowly). I am eating better. I am actually sleeping even if it is at the wrong side of the day and probably too much. I am not constantly thinking how am I going to survive without my wife in my life. I am not constantly thinking how much I want her back. 

I know I still have a long road to recovery and I will be taking it day by day for a while yet but there have been some small positives after months of one big negative. I know now and am starting to believe it for myself. I deserved so much better!!! I did not deserve the treatment I got at all!!!