well today we spent the day at …
well today we spent the day at the hospital seeing doctors and having her 1st MRI. it sure makes for a long day when …
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I sat with my Dad this morning waiting for his doctor to come. Still the strong soldier, still trying to make me feel better. Even in his current state, he can sense my sadness I fear and I will have to try hard to be as strong as he is. He was sort of quiet today, just sat and held his hand for awhile.
His new doctor is a younger woman, who is very gentle and caring and good at treating my Father with respect and not like a child. I sat very quiet in a corner while they talked and she examined him. So much can be learned just by sitting quietly and listening. He knows more than I thought about being as sick as he is. Said he knows there's something wrong with his brain. Found out he had two serious head injuries in WWII that may have been the start of something long long ago. He forgot I was even in the room and when she asked if he was starting to settle in and if he was happy, he said he was trying to fit in and be good. He said his daughter Cathy comes to see him a lot, especially when he's upset and he wanted her to spend more time with her friends and not have to worry. Tears just ran out of my eyes. He's still trying to protect and care for me and our family.
His physical health is great, strangely this may not be such a blessing in the long run. He told the doctor it made him upset that at 85 and with his mind so confused, that he didn't know why God wouldn't take him instead of children in the world that are so sick and tortured. It was a moment of pure clarity. Through the fog and haze and raging of this week, I thought I may not get the chance to see this part of him again. But there he was, as clear as day, for that moment, my Papa, the strong soldier, always wanting to help the underdog. This didn't last very long, but it helped me take the first deep breath I've had all week.
I have learned so much from him through the years. Some frustrating, some challenging, some beautiful and intelligent things and I'm still learning. My friend Andy is going with me to see him on Saturday and we're planning to take him to lunch and get him out for a drive and maybe a picnic. I hope he's still on the upper part of the roller coaster ride. I know he will go up and down, I know it will get harder, but I'm going to keep writing about these times in hopes I can draw some strength from them in the future when I need to remember how to breath.
I always hug him when I leave and give him a little kiss and tell him "I love you Papa, I'll be back soon". Today for the first time, he hugged me first and said he loved me. He was humming along to a little music (Big Band that he loves) when I left. What a feeling and beautiful thing to see. Again, it's the simple things.
Tonight I pray that he hums a little song in his sleep....I love you Papa....and I'm still your little girl.
Goodnight all my friends, may you all hum a little tune and smile.
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Cathy,
Dang, I'm going to have to take you off my friends list. I just don't have the time to be a full time friend....still, here I am responding to one of your entries. :)
Oh, all I can say is enjoy your dad...if he wants to sing then listen to what he is singing, sing along, make up songs of your own....
It's a remarkable thing, but when their brain starts going they go back in their minds to the things they fear, like my dad goes back to World War 2, but they also go back to what they love. My dad sings once in a while, and talks about funny things that happened in his life, loving things, and he will mumble on about them. It's really strange, but since my dad has been suffering from Altzeimer's disease, I've had some of the best conversations with him....some are silly, make no sense, like the other day he was saying he was going to buy a four bedroom home, and then talking about how he had only a quarter in his pocket....I mean, it's silly stuff, but if you listen closely you know that he is still worrying about being the provider for his wife and family......and I try to relax him by talking about what house he is going to buy....it's all fantasy, but he will talk about it. I just love those conversations, because my dad shows me the man he is and even so drenched in this disease, he cares. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Every once in a while he will look up and catch my eye, and I smile and he smiles back. God, it is like the universe opened up....he has always had such a loving smile.
Enjoy your dad....You can't make him better...meet him on his level, not on yours. Cathy, I know you will get in touch with the love you both share...I've done that, and am full of grief that he will die someday soon, but dang, I've made the best of the time we have together, and he has shown himself to be a man that is full of love, and so he will die, but his death will be one of a man who knows he was loved, and dang it if he doesn't still try to give love back.
Linda
ibberish,
haightstreet
Awwwwwww isn't that so sweet (that he wanted to take care of you). :) We DO sound a like. I love my daddy so much too. We are having a good time with him now that he is doing better. Mom said she called the hospital tonight and felt tension from him. So, I guess he is feeling a LOT better. Seems like when he gets doing better he starts getting angry at her. I suggested she double check to be sure dad was getting his new med (Aricept). We'll see how he does. We have come up with a back up plan for physical therapy if the hospital can't keep him. Praying God will make it work out for us all. I'm off to bed... goodnight.
elenak