tophat2690's Journal

Loving Might Be A Mistake But It's Worth Making Mood

Thursday, July 24, 2008

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’ve been really sad lately and confused… I just keep getting in arguments with my mom and its difficult to take. I honestly think that no matter who I was dating I would have regrets at this point in my life because sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth all of the pain that I’m experiencing. My mom told me she was ashamed of me and what I’m doing is just unacceptable. It hurt. A lot. She’s making me feel like a failure and unfortunately it is making me question my life. Maybe she has a point. I have only dated a few people… how do I seriously know that this is it for me? I don’t. And I know I don’t. But life without my best friend? I don’t know how I could do that right now. Granted it’s summer and she’s the only one that has consistently been around but that’s just it. She’s consistently been around. And no matter what kind of shit mood I’m in she insists that all my moods swings are what she has signed up for and that she loves me more and more. What a person. I feel like I’m being unfair to her. I have to deal with all of this and she has to deal with my freaking out and doubts about us. How do I know that it’s worth all of this pain that I’m causing my mother and all of the stress that it is putting on me? You know what I don’t know. And maybe that’s okay but here’s what I do know. If I break up with her and leave, I will regret it. Because I never will know what could have been or how happy I might have been if I stayed. And when I’m forty and unhappy I will know why. It would be because I was scared and didn’t take a risk. I don’t know what it would be like not to talk to her. To share my opinions on life and to talk about what it is about. Who else is that smart and has the same frame of mind as me? I honestly don’t know. In my heart I know that I was the one that reached for her. I was the one that decided to try and lead her one because I wanted her in my life for good. It was because I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Something was missing today because I hadn’t talked to her all that much in the past few days. If that’s gone forever… how would I feel? And seriously with another guy would I have the same bond? Probably not. No one would sing total eclipse of the heart obnoxiously and not care what people thought. No one else think I’m as funny as she does. No one else would be able to talk about the issues of the world and care about peace as much as we do. No one else would like going shopping with me like she does. No one else would have the passion for making/ eating food like we do. No one else I could be that comfortable around that I would tell anything to… with no one else I could be that confident in myself. And no one else could love me as much as her. I take it for granted… her love. I know I do. And when she would be gone from my life I would be kicking myself in the ass because I let her go JUST because I was scared. How stupid would that be? You know what? I wish people would just let me live my life and not judge me. But that’s NEVER going to happen. I need to just rely on myself and my beliefs. If they have a problem with it? Then they aren’t really worth it anyway now are they? Life is about taking chances. And for once… well I feel alive! My life is no longer boring and not worth living. It is what I wanted it to be. And I have someone that encourages that. Her.

UPDATED GOALS

Gain More Self-acceptance

Progress 25%

Encouragements: 0

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