TGG's Journal

After the experience I had this weekend, I've decided not to try any more drug holidays until I see my MD again. The weekend was really rough because I cried a lot and was an emotional train-wreck without the Ritalin (I'm usually a pretty happy and bubbly person). On Monday and Tuesday of this week I also had to deal with increased side effects all over again. So because of that, I've decided not to stop the Ritalin during the weekends - it's just too much.

I had a great opportunity tonight to talk to a fellow friend and ADD-er. It was so refreshing to be reminded that I'm not crazy and that God has a purpose in making me who I am (including ADHD).

After about a week and a half of Ritalin, I can see how there are both big benefits and drawbacks to medication, especially for an adult. Ritalin has changed my thinking and it's great - I love how I feel and think. I'm coping pretty well with the side effects, which in my case include moderate headache and extreme loss of appetite (plus a few other little annoying effects). But there is a bad side too. To put it simply, I never knew I was such a mess before I started taking Ritalin. I didn't realize exactly how much of my life was influenced by ADHD and everything that comes with it. So now, with my behavior changing, my eyes are being opened to the rather extreme differences between my medicated versus non-medicated self.

Having, for the first time, been able to think like a "normal" (note quotation marks!) person has produced several affects. In a certain sense, I mourn the fact that I spent so many years, in ignorance, struggling with this...it could have been so much easier. And I also say to myself (though I wouldn't probably say it out loud to anyone else except for in this online setting) "How can I get by without the medications?" As I have said before, I don't want to be on these drugs forever or even for long-term use. But to see the extreme differences between the medicated (lasts 8 hours) me and the average non-medicated me is striking and brings out both the positive and negative aspects to using medication to "treat" ADHD/ADD.

That's where my friend has been helpful, as she's told me that using the meds for a month or so can help you understand what it's like to think more "normally" so that you can learn how to apply that thinking process to your life when you're not medicated, which is the goal (being non-medicated as much as possible). I've only taken Ritalin for less than 2 weeks now, and I told her I feel like I'm still in the "observation phase" where I'm trying to get a grip around and an understanding of all the changes that occur on versus off Ritalin. I'm not at the point yet where it seems I understand enough to be able to apply it to my non-medicated hours of the day. But that's the goal and challenge.

My coin phrase last week was:
"There Is Life After ADHD."

But I would like to amend that original statement so that it reads:
"There Is Life With ADHD."

ADHD never goes away. For me, that's a hard and painful fact to swallow - it really hurts going down. But I think my focus is shifting. My focus had been *eliminating* ADHD and finding myself "living" after ADHD was removed. Now, however, I'm thinking my focus should be learning to *live with* ADHD. And may the Lord help me to do that! He is Able when I am Not.

TGG