inlove42's Journal

I.....I'm back to S, 99% over A, and am dying over J! My mom and dad say its innappropriate for me to have a friend that is a GUY!! What the hell? What am i gonna do, text him hey J wanna make out? NO! Hes my friend and though i subtly want it to be more my parents have clearly said no dating until i am 15! So why cant I text him? Why can ti be his friend? I have always wanted a guy friend. they are so cool! you talk to them about so much and just have fun and talk about weird and cool things like rock music, anime ,sports , have mud fights, water fights, kick them in the shin cuz they were stupid (if i do that to my girl friends they make me say im sorry or they dont talk to me ever again), theres no more drama about omg u like him? i like him! get away from him he likes me! oooh!!! I want someone to just text hi or hey wazzup or even what ur next class without them being all over me like what happened? did ur parents get divorced? whya re you so quiet? i want someone that understand if i dont wanna tal;k about it, to start fooling around and breakdancing with randomly but can still go to starbucks, have a frapp and watch some car chase or japanese gun-fight/vampire flick without it being eeew! thats so gross! but at least the guys are hot! Ugh, i really sound like a guy right now dont I..... ya so back to S? we have been emailing a bit, he emailed back after i helped with an assignment and said thanks. then I asked himsome of his favorite j-rock songs and he said he loved them because the lyrics were so touching and emotional and very thought provoking. so he recommended some and i searched them all and i knew them all...they were all my faves! that really brohught me back to how much we have in common and how much he understands me. i guess im okay with just being his friend but when I read his emails I just...cant help smiling. I read so into all his words to find each and every meaning. And I have. so far I have interpreted this: I like you as a friend but sometimes you can get a bit weird, i dont hate you and i acknowledge that you and me have a lot in common, but I am very busy with C so i can only be mild friends for now. Okay I have decided that i am going to act like a friend tnow. when I see him i wont say hey shorty! wazzup? kiss c lately? like i usually do. I will say hey s, how was summer? can you just not wait for soandso's new movie? I am so going with c and e, if you want to see it too mayeb you could take c there and we'll meet you there? then maybe add him to my msn, visit my old school where he'll still be and just say hi, make sure he doesn't forget me. If he asks whats up with me illl say that i just dont want to lose any friend from the school. I never realized it but...s is a really great guy. not a jerk bone in his body. im never going to get over him completely and if s and c break up by any chance ill be releived and help him and her through it, but i wont make a move on him. I just want him to be single to make it easier on me to get over him. if i find someone onlse ill always have a place in my heart for him but...i dont think ill ever get over how hes made me feel these past 6 months. i have  dreams each night of him asking me if i ever loved anyone...at the end of the dream it would always be me staring at a bewildered s after I said "yes, you were my first love. and i dont think i'll ever love again"