inlove42's Journal

Well I don't really want to write it all over again, so you can just look for my discussion/advice request titles "worst day of my freaking terrible life" which explains all. I have decided to apologize to E about the whole J thing and tell her I'll never bring it up again. her birthday is on Friday and I want to go but I hope she doesn't hate me. Right now I have been listening to Whispers in the dark and Rebirth by Skillet, my favorite band, to ease the pain. Reading helps me too. Today C told me all about how she an dmy crush Im struggling to get over texted for 9 hours straight last night. Apparently he said that he missed her and wanted to go out to Cactus Club (a restaurant) as soon as she comes back from a vacation.  She asked him some strange questions because they have only been going out for a week if he was romantic and he said "Yes and No. I can be. I buy many presents" its so sweet...AND even worse/better for her. She asked what he was going to wear for 7th grade graduation from elementary and he said whatever he could afford because he needed to work really hard to earn money to take her to Cactus Club. He said that at the moment he was doing his laundry and washing the dishes so he could earn extra money. When C said no, you don't have to, he said I want to, its important to me. When she asked if he really liked her, he said yes. Then they said they missed eachother and started planning their date. When she asked if he wanted to go double or alone, he said that he prefers whatever she prefers because when shes happy he is happy. I told C that I am over him but i am far from. Now she is saying so much about how romantic and sweet and nice and amazing he is to her and I don't know if I can take it. All this info...its making me fall in love with him all over. I just want to find someone better that likes me! I need someone to be there, and love me as much i do him. I am going to Paris for a few weeks in July and July is supposedly my "love month" according to hororscopes but when... i need someone to be there. to hold me and hug me and love me. This may sound so sappy and weird for a freaking 12 year old but i just need it. Sometimes when I see C and S (my crush) together...I get so jealous I want someone to love me. Not neccessarily him because I can see how amazing they are together. I just need someone to love me. Who am I kidding. I am ugly, stupid, weird, and so boyish its not even funny. I have terrible sense of style, Im greedy, selfish (I like my friggin BFF"s BF!) and a love-addicted fool. No wonder no one loves me. Not even my parents. And don't even get me started on my sucky personality. i give bad advice, I am needy, clingy, way too hyper, and a total friggin EMO. Everyone says so. "what are those scars, emo?", "want to kill yourself, EMO??!!" "AHA! She is So emo!!! HAHA!!!" Even my friends...they are all going away. I may be better friends with C now but she is making my heart break slowly but surely and if I am friends with J, E will never be in my life again and I cant live with that. What is wrong with me, these problems are too deep for a freaking 12 year old! I should be happy, and bubbly! Im not friggin 16 or 17 or something! I am feeling this bad over a guy and a stupid fight with my friends? Ha, no wondr I have been backstabbed so much. I am falling so deep in the black, sinking lower and lower. This pain wont go away...and 'Numb' is the only way to describe my feelings.  I can't type much while crying so I better just finish this off and leave. Hopefully i won't make it to the kitchen in time.