BreathlessInCa's Journal

Journal Entry for January 25, 2008 Mood

Friday, January 25, 2008

Confused ...

I feel that I have become so self-centered. More than I've been in my life. But that may be a self-deception. I've probably always been too self-centered.
I'm so confused about just about everything. What can I expect for myself? What do I have here? Has my life counted for anything? I feel like a boarder sometimes. I have no power. My opinions mean nothing.

Regret has been stalking me for sometime now. I can't seem to stop thinking about all of the opportunities that I had to take a stand and keep things closer to the straight and narrow and I just buckled and went along with things I knew were bad. Fear has ruled my life.

Now what to do?

Our lot is to love and serve others and I have no problem with that. I've always loved caring for my family and wanted to do much more for others, but (self is creeping in again) why do I feel so neglected and alone? Does loving and serving someone mean that you become a doormat to them? Does it make any difference? The Lord says to lay our lives down. If I really believed it was that simple, I think I might be at peace with that. But I think that there is much more to it.

My brain wont stop. ahhhhhhh

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Comments

This is really honest. I enjoyed reading it just because it sounds like where I've been many times.

I have had those same sorts of thoughts.

Sometimes I've had to politely say no, too, to someone who wants/needs something from me. Getting sick last year really brought that into focus.

The question about "has my life counted for much?" I hate that one. I do trust in God. He will do with us as He wishes and use us for His purposes, and sometimes (most times?) that's absolutely without our knowledge.

XOOO

CocoChanel