crazydad's Journal

6/5/08

I miss the drug of physical contact. I long for it, the withdrawls are painful. Looking at her, sleeping near her, wanting to touch, hold and feel her body. This feeling of distance and restraint is awfully difficult. I have been with her for 12 years. We have two children together. I have not been with or near another woman.  She has been the only one I want for soo very long. Now I feel so awkward. Yesterday, while she was changing her cloths, knowing she is naked, wanting to watch, knowing I shouldn't, makes me feel a depth of confusion I have no way at this moment to process. It is such a devastatingly lonely feeling.

Touch is healing. I treated myself to a massage a couple of weeks ago not for the relaxation-although it was wonderful-but to have the touch of a woman on my body without the complications of hormones and desires. I feel like..........a leper, a perv, like I am having a pouting tantrum, like I want my way, like I am being punished, like I have to deny my needs, like I have to deny my needs in order to preserve this strange space that we are in, like, like like. At least with divorce, I could go and make all of the mistakes a man makes, but I could be touched, have sex and feel good about that. I hate denying that part of who I am.

The intellectual in me is saying that this is a good distance, a good space to be in. Physical intimacy has been a symptom of a lot of the bad in our marriage-things that need to and can be fixed. My thought is " I know we have made it through the worst and I can begin to trust in our relationship when she touches me freely, when she makes the move to initiate contact". I may be setting myself up, I may be foolish, but I do know that if after time and help this doesn't happen, there is not much worth saving.

We had sex the first night that we met-mind blowing, great sex. It may have been the foundation on which we built this relationship. I recently described our marriage as being built on sand and that needs to be changed to bed-rock. This space can help with that, this distance can be healing. I just feel so isolated and alone. I am filled with desire and passion, hope and apprehension, confussion and sorrow. How do I keep the lonliness birds from roosting in my heart? How can I get what I need without infidelity? This is one part of this crucible that I am going through, but this is the one I am not excited to experience any more.