Kay1017’s Profile

About Me

I am an army wife whose husband is currently undergoing his second deployment to Iraq. I am a christian and have found it hard to stay in my faith lately due to a daily struggle with anxiety and fear that I've had since childhood about mortality. I have been subjected to a lot of abuse, of all types- physical, emotional, and sexual. I stopped smoking pot when I was 15 and never looked back to that old life that I once lived, as a bit of a player and heartbreaker. When I met my husband, that was what changed me. I chose to change because I loved him- he never asked me to, not even once. Our relationship has been filled with a lot of separation and heartbreak due to his career. And after a childhood spent being abused by my mother, I never believed I was worthy of love by anyone but God and my Daddy, because no matter how bad stuff was with my mother, my daddy always loved me and gave me all he had. My husband was the first person I truly fell in love with. That's why it hurt all the more when things went wrong between us. I understand now that some of it happened because of his PTSD- the things he saw during his first tour in Iraq have truly scarred and changed him forever. I know because of his near death experience, he has never been the same. I know the difference between a true abuser and someone who suffers from flashbacks. However, the person he changed into is part of why the real abuse between us happened. I was raped just about every night for over a year. I was forced into believing that it was all just a bad dream. And eventually I snapped- I had a bit of a breakdown and to be honest, I haven't been the same since. The fear of mortality is worse since, it is a daily struggle to deal with the fear. I had to come to terms with my abuse and realize that the person I loved the most is also the person who hurt me the most. He has since vowed to never do it again, but, then the suspicion of cheating came up. In total I'd say he spent about $1500 in phone calls and cyber chats with girls you had to pay to talk dirty. And for me it was the last insult to my pain. I admit I cheated on him once. I confessed it right then, but, we still got married. I was conflicted and scared to get married, he was in Iraq, and I was being confronted with where my life was going to go. Slowly we are trying to move on. We are still together and trying to work things out. I do not believe I am in denial because I know him- if there was nothing left, that is when I would leave. He took a vow to never hurt me again, and he hasn't. I wonder sometimes, with him coming home soon, if it will be worse this time. But I know by what he's said that we are going to try and work things out. It's sad that we were that close to divorce that we had everything planned out already, and because I care about him I finally consented to his plan- which was after we separated, he wanted to still take care of me financially and continue to provide me with shelter and medical care. I have asthma and have suffered for many years with bad periods and pains low in my stomach/ pelvis area. The doctors still don't know what's wrong with me, so I wish I knew. This deployment has been extraordinarily hard on me.It's the first time I have ever been completely on my own. I also have our debts placed on my shoulders- because of where he is, he is not able to really manage it too well, so I am working hard to pay down everything with the little bit of extra money he gets for going downrange. And I have really gotten us somewhere from this time last year, so that is a reason for me to smile. My outlook on life is to live each day as it comes, and take it one step at a time. To give love all you've got and laugh, and to find pleasure in the simple things. Because what matters to me now is being happy and being loved, and I've got that. And lastly I have come a long way also with my weight loss- I have lost about 41 pounds right now from my heaviest weight ever last year. I am beginning to love myself again and to be proud of what I see in the mirror looking back at me. I can't wait for my husband to see me again- we haven't seen each other in about a year- and since he's always telling his buddies how proud he is of me and how beautiful he thinks I am now, even more so than he did before. It's all complicated but just remember- with me things are not always clear cut and it's not always how you think. Right now I'm just counting down the days until I see him again and to the day when he'll be back home for good- when my September is gonna end.

Interests

Spending time with my kitty, watching TV, having a laugh when I can and going out sometimes, talking to my family and friends and I am looking into taking up a hobby soon- but I don't know what it's going to be yet.