sevenyears's Journal

Looks like rain Mood

Thursday, June 19, 2008

i thought i would be able to pick up where i left off last time but my mind isn't really functioning very well right now and i honestly have no sense of time right now..things are a bit better with my husband but i still have a new sense that ineed to change me and my life as an individual independentt of him because we very well may not be together in a year or two or twenty - more so though because i am just sad in my heart, i have not achieved in my life what makes me happy as far as personal potential - i have never been one that measures sucess in terms of money or status or what not, yes i am human and i feel envy of those around me who seem to have their shit together but i just want what makes me feel good and makes me feel safe and i've never ever been there - though i've had the good fortune to glimpse it

there has been a ridiculous amount of drama with our landlord and for the first time in many years i have caught myself resorting to being dishonest to try to gain something

i've justified it of course in my mind w/ all kinds of things like for example she has been absurdly dishonest with us from day one (ah, the miracle of the internet and public records, i found out more than i really wanted to know about her) and the property mgr is fucking rodent - all i've come back to is feeling bad (and nervous) though because i have violated my personal ethics, because everytime someone wrongs me i put myself in this position of not being able to hand their ass to them the way they deserve and also because i see a bleak future in the form of the property mgr - like the universe saying to me 'if you keep on the way you're going with that entire victim thing and not taking care of yourself you will be just like her one day not too far from today'

there is so much i need to be doing every day but i have no energy and am having these attacks of horrible pain in my head and neck and one side of my body, i don't think i'm going to be able to really pack up and clean here until ihave a picture of where we're going, we got a place that's horrible and a better place lined up to bid on tomorrow morning - ironically very similar in style (ironic because it's a very unique place) but bigger and better yet cheaper and closer to the college i want to go to next year and in a better neighborhood - we'll see how it goes

it looks like rain outside of which we've had none and it's so so so hot every day and night

it looks like rain in my mind too