searchingfor's Journal

Journal for July 5th....A close call!! Mood

Sunday, July 6, 2008 | A Positive story

Well, today could have been a bad, very bad day indeed. I got my paycheck and because I had been sick last week with bronchitis it was about 300.00 less than what I need to make it until next payday. They also forgot to pay me for a day I worked which didn't help matters any. I opened that check......looked at the amount and the steam valve just blew! I was sooooooo mad! Now, I knew my check would be somewhat short but it just must have been reality hitting me in the face and I just lost it. This really isn't anything new.....I had to cut my hours from 72 per payperiod to 40 per payperiod after my husbands cancer surgery.......I pretty much had a breakdown, my depression spiraled out of control. So anyways.....working this amount of hours really doesn't cut it, especially now with gas being so expensive. I have two bills overdue that I am going to lose service on if I don't pay them......I have no food in the house......on and on. So immediately I am mad and frustrated and of course my addict mind immediately goes to gambling. Seriously, my mind already had me getting in the car and hitting the road. I started shaking and all I could think was to get to someone quick......so I got online, came here.....no one online. Went to a couple of other sites....no luck. So I emailed someone and waited. I told my husband that I needed him to come with me to cash my check and get some groceries. I also gave him an earful about how this is not working and that I need to work more hours and that I can't do that and come home and take care of the house too! Poor guy. I did tell him that I wasn't mad at him, that I was just frustrated and that nothing was going to change unless something changes. He looked at me funny.....kinda smiled and said...."Didn't I tell you that years ago?" LOL......he is a recovering alcoholic.

So, we went and cashed my check, got groceries and came home and made dinner. I then jumped online and was able to connect with the friend I had emailed and she chatted with me for about 2 hours.

All in all, I feel proud of myself tonight. In the past I would never let myself stop and talk to someone when I was in this mindset. This is how I relapsed two weeks ago. This is how I always relapse! Once I get in that mindset, I am lost. Its not like an urge that I can brush off or distract myself from........it is something much more powerful than that.

So all in all, even though life is still frustrating and I haven't figured out how to solve this particular problem.......today turned out to be a good day and I feel good about myself right now.

Love to all,

Julie

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Comments

way to go! When the going gets tough for me, this is the very first place I come to....I know its hard to accept, but things do happen for a reason, and sometimes that reason is to force us out of our comfort zone and into action!
You did great today!

hugs and love
Danya

Makmarie
You did do great today - wow - what an achievement, you changed something, you changed the way you reacted, you looked for help and a way out. Excellent tools, Your hubby sounds so supportive - this is wonderful.
I am so glad that today although the pay cheque is lean your heart is full. - hugs and love Suzi

Auzgurl
SO PROUD OF YOU!!! WHAT A BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!!
So great how you handled this...love it!!!!
Hugs, Dianne

DianneE
I knew you had it in you! I am SO,SO proud of you, and by george if you can do it, so can I, Fridays coming up quick, I'm going to have someone drive me to work so I can't sneak off on the way home and blame being late (when really im at the casino) on traffic. Keppi going, we will get there.
Love and High fives to you!
cate

cate8733
I know how you feel. I too recently got a paycheck that was several hundred dollars lower than normal because I took off a few days to go on a trip. Of course my mind is like yours and we think gambling is the answer. And I do give into that uncontrollable urge. Yes I won, but only to return to the casino and give it back. That is why this disease if called compulsive gambling. Even if we win, we will return and give it back. I am very happy for you for not giving in. Fiancial strains are the hardest part of this, but hang in there. It will get better. My best to you...

marle44
Glad you were able to find the strength to not gamble, that sounds like a really close call you had. I always thought "I dont need any one to tell me what to do, I can baby sit myself", how wrong I was. hugs Ken

kennyP
Seems we want to make money but the opposite happens we lose it all. Way to go in beating them urges. They do pass and we are alot more happier and have more money when we beat them. hugs Melissa

nicky42
Way to go girl , good for you setting up those road blocks to keep you from giving into the ugly urges!! Good steps to avoid a relapse.

gbaygirl
You did it you fought the monster and won. Remember you can do it again and again if you need to. Dave

dave21