bubbaNbugbug's Journal

Wow, I came back today from an AWESOME weekend w/ the girls. But, then I got caught up with all the drama on the Discussions Board. I actually related to what was said, to a waging war that I have kept personally with my sister. My big sis has been my best friend and confidant for the past 7+ years. in 2004 she became PG only to miscarry appx. 5 months into the pregnancy. Our little angel Julissa was born, lived for 3 days and died. I sat by and held my sister's hand as she grieved for her loss, questioned why this happened, contemplated why she should go on living...and watch her live through her pain. I even listened as she spewed hatred to my other sister for her healthy pregnancy of my newphew and at that time my soon-to-be neice. Then in 2005 she became PG again and delivered early after having her cervix sewn and bed rest at 5 mo. My amazing MIRACLE nephew and godchild was born. He lived in NICU for 8 months underwent 22 surgeries and but presently is approaching his 2nd birthday as a happy, healthy, growing baby BOY. Recently, I hit an all time emotional, frustration low with our inability to conceive. My sister called and as I was hoping she would be able to be compassionate and understanding...I got the standard line, "just relax, you're working yourself up over this. I don't think that is the way it is...you are just making too much of it." WHAT????? Suddenly, I felt trapped and realized that though she has experienced pain she has also experienced healing. I wanted her to hurt for me, to remember her pain and be empathetic to mine. We don't talk about my infertility anymore, and I miss being able to go to her. But, I have learned to find more understanding outlets. I choose my support group, and surround us with those I know who can be compassionate to our journey with infertility. People who forgive me when I am jealous, people who give allowances when I get upset or resentful, people who listen to my opinions without a defensive ear, people who keep an open mind in relation to our struggles and set aside their own for the sake of being a good friend.....these are the people we have been blessed with....and though they are not many they are the ones that carry our hearts.