GbKooLiO's Journal

Here's a few quick updates for anyone who cares...

Things are about the same as far as my life is concerned. My situation isn't really better, but it's not really worse either. Everything is much the same it seems. My dad is still being a dick, the family acts much the same and I had to quickly adjust myself back to the 'norms' of my life ever since I got back from Florida. The only really horrible thing that has happened to me ever since I got back was when I fell into deep depression again when my dad returned from his mission trip. He came back and all the bullshit that he pulls resumed in this home, and I was again forced to bear the suffering of his actions. I keep hoping every single day that things will get better between him and myself, but I fear certian wounds that he has caused will never be able to fully heal.

In fact, things got so bad after he returned on Saturday that Sunday I didn't even watching my wrestling pay-per-view, and if you know me you will know that I never, EVER miss those for the world. I am much too dedicated to WWE for that. Basically, his actions sent me into such a deep depression that I came home Sunday evening and went in my room and just layed in my bed, in the dark, as the show started. I didn't even order it. That is a horrible, horrible sign for me when I do things like that. That is when I am at my worse with my depression, and those are the times when I question everything about myself, my family and the relavence of my own existance. Few people understand the raw agony that I go through when I feel that way. It really does penetrate a hole through the core of your being. It's like being dead, but being able to feel pain.

Anyway, I did end up ordering the replay to the show, though, and that made me feel better. It was a really good show. That's another thing about feeling like crap constantly that scares me. You start to lose interest in everything you once had a passion for. I really don't want to lose my passion.

On a positive note, I did FINALLY get my PS3 and Grand Theft Auto 4 a few days ago. My god, Grand Theft Auto 4 is the most amazing game I have ever played in my life. It's so realistic and just FUCKING AWESOME!!!! I am very happy that I finally got it, because it has been serving as a good distraction from reality for me. I know that it won't distract me from life forever, or change anything, but I'm gonna keep playing for as long as it will. It's much healthier for me mentally to be doing something I enjoy to distract me from the pain rather than just lying around in the dark listening to meloncholy tunes on my iPod, or worse, just lying around in the dark wallowing in my own torment.

Anyway, I guess that's about it for now. Vince McMahon is giving away 1 million dollars on RAW this week, and I've been registering for it on the website every single day. I don't need the money, but if I had a means to get the hell away from my dad and not have to worry about anything, you can bet your sweet Bahama backside I will be taking that chance.

Best wishes to all,

Michael

So I'm back from Florida. I was there from Sunday until Thursday, and generally enjoyed every minute of it. If you read my last blog, you would know that I visited Florida with the youth church camp, which prior to this I was seriously considering whether I wanted to go or not. So now that it's over I guess I can really say whether it was worth it or not. So was it worth it? Yes, actually, it really was. Sure I had never gone on any youth camp trips before in my life, and sure there were a few akward moments and somewhat lonley times during the trip, but overall I know that I had a pretty damn good time. As hard as it is doing stuff like that when you've been as fucked up as I have, there are certian things that certian people at that church have done for me that could quite possibly affect me for the rest of my life in a very positive way. For example, the first time I went there on my own with the youth, every single person there prayed over me and layed hands on me because at the time I had deep, painful burdons for a certian individual. It was possibly the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in a church. It was so incredible because the youth pastor has asked everyone to silently pray for those whom they had inner burdons for, and the youth pastor actually was able to detect that somebody in the room had a deep burdon and needed to address it with the group. That person was me, and it was so unbelievable that he was able to know like that. He didn't know it was me, he just knew it was somebody in the room. I don't care what anyone says, God truly does work in mysterious ways. And to top that off, one of the youth kids at camp, Devan, actually layed hands on myself and two other kids and prayed over us during service. That was very special to me. He was so nice and friendly to me, and we even had a very deep conversation about religion and politics while at camp. I have nothing but good things to say about Devan. He's a great guy. But anyway, yeah, I did enjoy myself and the brief, not so happy moments will probably be overshadowed by the good times.

In other news, I was text messaging some folks about a month or two ago because they were suicidal and needed my help, and this ends up costing my 35 bucks?! WTF?! I talked to maybe TWO people BRIEFLY. That is absolutely ridiculous. I already have to pay for my wrestling pay-per-views which are expenstive enough. I hate the way cell phones operate and always will.

My grandma still seems depressed. She's obviously worried about my grandpa, who's got bad amnesia and seems to be going downhill. But I think her main problem at this point is never leaving the house. Despise her age she's got such an active mind and personality, and she's always been very social. Somebody like her just can't stay cooped up at home all the time with nothing to do. She's always telling me she never gets anything done despite never having anything to do. That is an obvious sign of depression. I wish she would get out more but I don't think hardly anyone can convice her to leave my grandpa at this point.

So I guess that's about all I have to say right now. I'm eating "lunch" depsite it being almost 6 in the pm, but whatever. I was so exhausted from the trip and I just had to get some rest. I hope everyone who reads this is doing alright. I'll drop another blog whenever I feel the need to I suppose.

Take care,

Michael