AmyElizabeth's Journal

Lately, I have been pretty miserable. I can relate to nobody, and when I try to express myself nobody understands. My relationship with Richard is ruined basically due to this fact, and that I am not ready to be involved fully. I just wish he could understand what I am going through when I try to explain myself. I really do, and I do care for him so much. He is one of my best friends... but he doesn't understand my illness at all. My heart is still so completely broken from everything with Tom. But more importantly; I am in so much pain emotionally. I hurt on the daily. I am up and down ALL DAY LONG, and it is so frustrating! Who wants to live there life this way? After suffering from depression, self injury, suicidal actions for years, and recovering for years... I do not want to go back there. I mean, nobody ever does ~ BUT I ESPECIALLY FEAR IT because it is a dark lonely place. Who wants to be around a negative person?

"You are not the person that I had first met." -Richard

I do not recogonize the person I have been lately. The past weeks.. months... it just makes life so unpleasant when I am in a depressed state. Because when I am there, I AM REALLY FUCKING THERE. The CONSTANT mood swings take away all my energy... I went for a walk today to let off some stress... and I know if I were to watch me, I'd be worried. I feel dead inside, and I was basically in tears. After a certain point, I am all cried out.

I am so sick of the anxiety and panic attacks. And feeling as if I don't have a single person in this world. And it is better to deal with things on my own, and not rely on other people... since most of them break your trust anyway, and are in it for self. People can be so hurtful, when I am nothing but kind and compassionate to them. I won't even both to go into specifics. But I am aware of the few people in my life that GENUINLY care for me. But when I am experiencing racing thoughts, it is hard to think of those specific few.

And the nightmares; everynight. Crying in my sleep, feeling the pain in my sleep. Dreaming of Tom, and so much other stop. This has been going on for over a year now... the bad dreams... and god make them stop, PLEASE!!!

"Sound familiar bad dreams can kill ya
Deeper the sleep the realer man I feel ya
Bad dreams sad scenes and fear
You don't want to have to wake up here
Bad dreams you don't want to have to wake up here
Bad dreams sad scenes and fear
you don't want to have to wake up here
Bad Dreams
you don't want to have to wake up here"

I am seeking therapy, but Denise has not called me back. I am seeing my primary doctor, but it is hard without health insurance. And I am looking into medication. My doctor, Ethan, has me on Prozac now. I got the script two weeks ago, and I have not started it yet. I am support to go see him on the 22nd. I am getting the script filled via Wal marts pharmacy this weekend. I am on Xanax and Hydroxyzine for my attacks, too. I WILL NOT abuse Xanax this time around though. I cannot STAND pillheads! There are too many in my circle. And it has taken so much for me to finally give medication another chance. I do not want to rely on it, but honestly I cannot handle this on my own right now. I realize I am NOT strong enough to endure this alone, and I DO need help. I have been suicidal recently, not acting on it though. And I have come SO close to self harming. I recently am finding comfort in photographs of ex or current self injurer's scars and fresh wounds. But mostly scars. I know it scares most people, but I think given my past... it is normal. Not necessarily healthy, but normal.

I don't know what to do. I am just scared, FOR MYSELF. And I do not want to feel this way, I do not want to be in this much pain. I do not want to walk this trail alone. But I find comfort in nobody and nothing, when I am in a down mood. When I am happy, I see the brighter side of everything. And no I am not Bi polar, I have fully ruled that out due to the mood swings occouring everyday. I do not know what my diagnosis is, or care. But I dont want to feel this way. I do not want to go back to that darkness.

~Amy.