AngieB's Journal

Well, I went to a pain specialist yesterday and I go back to my PCP tomorrow. The pain specialist has suggested some medication changes. He put me on topamax (sp) and changed my pain med's from oral to a patch. I am going to have an epidural on Tuesday, May 1st. The date I was supposed to go back to work..so much for that!!! The pain specialist thinks I do in fact have lupus in the beginning stages. He wants me to go on another anti-depressant and to start taking a diuretic (sp)to help with the swelling. I was in the office yesterday for 4 hrs!! He is very nice and the nurses were absolutely great!!! I am very afraid of procedures and hospitals since my surgery. It was a nightmare for me, so I am really, really nervous about Tuesday. My veins in my arms and hands are really small and everytime they try to give me IV's they can't find a vein or they "blow" them. It really hurts for me to have blood drawn or to have an IV. I'm not looking forward to that at all!! I'm still really tired and I have gained 10 more pounds!!! I have never been this big in my life and it is really stressing me out!! I am embarrassed to go out and see anyone I know because of the excessive weight!! I know that sounds "petty" but it is just one more "stress" factor for me!! I did get a compliment yesterday from the doctor and nurses, they said they couldn't believe that I was 41 yrs. That I looked like I was in my late 20's or 30's..LOL..I just laughed!! I asked if the "age" spots on my face didn't give me away...(I didn't have on any make up). LOL.. My hands and fingers are now constantly swollen as well as all my other joints. I hurt and ache constantly!! The doctor asked me what I "expected" from treatment, I told him I just wanted to be able to exercise again and to deal with the pain and return to work. I basically wanted my life back. I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park but I was willing to work really hard at trying to get better and I'd do whatever he suggested because I was so tired of being a "shut in" at 41 yrs old. For some reason I have been really upset about not being married or having any children. I feel now that I won't ever be able to have children and that I am way too old and have too many medical problems. I would love to have someone in my life but I'm too scared to date etc....LOL.. It's funny sometimes that the very things you want in life you can't bring yourself to take the chance to do what you need to have it!! I know this is very off base but I though maybe if I typed it out I'd feel better. I'd appreciate any input by you guys...LOL... I love you all and thank you for all the support. I know I haven't been a great buddy as of late but I will be more supportive in the near future...Thanks again everyone!!! I don't' know what I'd do without you guys or this site in the last few weeks.....God Bless you all and I wish only great days ahead for you....Angie B