Dee2006's Journal

I'm new to this website and I thouht I'd write a journal to sort of "introduce" myself and my situation.  My husband and I met online (nope, not through a dating site) while he was in Europe and I lived in the US.  We dated for 9 months before we finally met in person.  It was wonderful.  Our long distance relationship lasted about 2 1/2 years before we got married.  After getting married, we moved to a different state.  We had just settled in when he got orders to get deployed to Iraq for the 2nd time (4 months after our wedding).  After a 15-month deployment, all seemed well.  We were finally spending some well-needed, well-deserved time together.

We wanted to have a baby.  After our 2nd month of trying to conceive, we succeeded!  9 weeks into my pregnancy, I found out that I had a missed miscarriage.  Needless to say, we were so devastated.  We had told all of our family and friends that we were expecting and now had to break this bad news to them.  You just never think something like that is going to happen to you.  The innocence of pregnancy is gone after the first tragedy...you no longer feel the giddy-ness, the same level of excitement.  What I'm trying to say is, rather than having all of the good feelings associated with a pregnancy, you have more of the cautious, scared, and weary feelings and thoughts of what could possibly go wrong in the next pregnancy.

We were told to wait at least a month before trying again.  We didn't.  I have to be honest and say we didn't really TRY to conceive again, but we didn't avoid it either.  I guess we both just thought it wasn't going to happen soon, and even if it did, it was God's will.

Well, I got pregnant immediately after my miscarriage.  Yes, we were very happy, but more nervous about the possible bad outcomes.  Around my 6th week of pregnancy (6 weeks based on my guess - we didn't actually know how far along I was) I began having the same characteristic spotting I had with my first miscarriage.  I was not going to take, "it's normal" for an answer.  My HCG levels were checked and it was determined that something should be visible on an ultrasound.  There was nothing in my uterus.  After my 2nd ultrasound in one day, the doctors determined I had an ectopic pregnancy. 

We are so devastated by the news of this.  I can't help but feel guilty about not waiting to try to conceive again.  I feel that maybe if I had heeded the doctors' and nurses' orders I would be having a healthy pregnancy.  Of course, there is no way of knowing that for certain, but the thought still crosses my mind. 

We are both trying to be as strong as possible through this ordeal.  We want a baby more than anything right now.  I know that this time I'm definitely going to let my body heal before we try again, but I don't know how long it will take for us to be emotionally ready for another pregnancy.